So this is officially my first entry. After searching for the perfect picture, the right colors, and the best font, I think I'm done.

Now if only I had something to write about.

Normal day at work today. I felt happy/bored/claustrophobic/lazy/energetic/concerned/lonely/out of place/comfortable. There are way too many paradoxes in that for me to even begin to analyze it.

This one girl who came in, Reagan, bumped her head and started crying. We got her dad, and when he came in he sat her in his lap, planted kisses on her little red cheek, and hugged her tight. I got a lump in my throat watching him treat her like...a daughter. Is it weird for me to say that I don't know what that feels like? I wish I could have felt that security when I was little, to know that Daddy would have come running to my rescue every time something went wrong. He just never seemed to be able to show his love for me like that. Or maybe I was just always too busy running to Mommy.

I must admit, this has been one of my favorite birthdays. I didn't do anything out of the norm, aside from going to Olive Garden, and walking to Baskin Robbins, but it was so good. I think what made it so great was that I wasn't look forward to anything, so  I didn't have to worry about being let down. So I only got one present, that isn't the point is it? This is a day to celebrate my birth, not to shower my with gifts. Besides, have you seen my room lately? I don't need anything else for awhile!

Sarah...if we room together, I'm definitely bringing my present to college next year. I got a leprechaun figurine!! It's hilarious!

Visiting PC was fun. I think I needed to meet people and see the students there in order to really appreciate the fact that I'll be there next year. I still don't know how I managed to get accepted, but oh well, so things are meant to be a mystery.

Speaking of mysteries...my ex and  I are talking. That in itself is a mystery. He confuses me so much. For once I just wish he would give me a straight answer. But no, that'd be too easy.

Now despite the fact that I slept from 1-6 today, Dad's yelling at me to go to bed. I can't wait to be out on my own next year.

I will be retractin this statement later. I know it.

Taking a leaf out of Sarah's book today. Just because I don't feel like writing down everything that's on my mind, but I do. So I'll do it in the form of a list. Here goes.

1. I hate it when people mess with my head. If you tell me something, it better be the truth. I don't like being forced to go round and round in circles.

2. As much as I hate to admit it, I have relationship issues. I'm pretty sure everyone does...but it's just different for me. I get attatched so fast, but at the same time I just want to be on my own. Spencer's the only guy I've ever dated that I can still talk to and flirt around with like nothing ever happened, even though we both know something did.

3. I was diagnosed with depression over the summer. It bugs the hell out of me when people try to tell me that it's all in my head, that I really don't have a problem. Those people have never spent their life living in darkness, pushing away from everyone that cares about them, thinking about suicide, wishing life were over. If they had, they would know that it's not a state of mind.

4. I hate the fact that I have to take 5 medications every morning. And that if I don't take them, I can't think straight and my world seems to crumble before me.

5. My little brother is one of my best friends. I'll miss him more than anyone else next year.

6. I don't know how I got accepted to college. I have a terrible GPA, right now I'm not even going to graduate, and my study skills leave much to be desired. Still, somehow, by the grace of God, I got in.

7. As much as I say I hate Kentucky, I love it. Louisville that is. I love the fact that I can drive around for hours and still be in the same city. Or that if I feel like a change, I can drive to Indiana in 10 minutes.

8. I am absolutely and completely boy-crazy. I love guys.

9. I'm a daydreamer. It drives me insane because I can't concentrate on something without going off into a daze or some tangent about "well what would happen if..."

10. I'm a hopeless romantic. I want everything to happen the way it does in movies. Sunsets, beaches, weekends away, candlelit dinners. I want it all.

11. I hate odd numbers. If I'm eating things big enough to be counted, there has to be an even number of them. I have to eat one on the right side of my mouth and one on the left side.

12. I love little kids. I want four of them when I'm older.

13. I have a horrible temper. Not many of my friends have seen me full-fledged mad, and they're happy they haven't. My dad is the only person I really ever lose my temper with. When it happens, things get ugly.

14. My dad and I have been getting along fairly well lately. It's a major improvement as to things have been in the past.

15. I don't like it when people tell me I'm wrong. If I'm wrong, let me find out I'm wrong, but don't rub it in my face.

16. I have a problem with authority figures. I want to do things my way, not yours.

17. If I could have any super power, I'd want the ability to fly. As a kid I always had this dream where I flew over the town baseball field. It always felt so real.

18. I don't like the way I look. I don't know why, maybe that's just something everyone goes through.

19. I wish I could go back to when I was 5 years old. I liked being a kid.

20. I realize that things will never be the same as they once were, and I can accept it. I just wish I could change it.

The days are going by slowly and uneventful. I can't exactly say that truthfully, because I did get a raise today at work, bringing my salary up to $7.75 now. Which is good. But other than that...nada....life goes on.

In a depressed mood lately, can you tell?

Day 3 of uber-depressing mood. What's causing this? Beats me. I've taken my medications, I've been sleeping, I've been following my routine. I need a change. Maybe that's it.

I actually did my homework today. At home I might add. This is something to go down in the record books. Then again, all I had to do was analyze whether evil can coexist with God, blah blah blah and all that good stuff. There's AP Literature for you.

Not taking the AP test. I was walking into her room today and saw my name on a sign saying that I hadn't paid to take the test yet. Ok...I failed the first semester of AP, am I really qualified to take the test? But I suppose she put my name on the list to be fair, I doubt they'd let me take it anyway. Which is fine with me, because I don't exactly have $57 to dish out. What an odd number.

I called Spencer. Probably not a smart move...but I always call him when I feel like this, so why not call him now? He was at Target. Said he'd call me back when he got home. Which means I won't talk to him til tomorrow...he likes to forget when he's supposed to call me back. Aren't ex's wonderful?

First words out of his mouth once we got done with the "what are you up to"'s and "is everything ok?"'s was "so...you taking me to prom?" What part of "I already have a date" does he not understand.

I'm losing all hope of going on Spring Break. Honestly, I just need to get away. I need to go somewhere where I can be on my own, without my parents, without a schedule, without someone to tell me what to do. Anywhere is fine with me. Court wants to go to Hilton Head, which I'm ok with, except for the cost. I don't have the money for it. She knows that. So it's either Hilton Head, her lake house, or nothing. Despite the fact that I've come up with multiple alternatives that would place us by the beach for way less than it would cost to go to Hilton Head. But my ideas aren't good enough for her I suppose. This is supposedly my best friend. She's wonderful isn't she?

They say the signs of depression are losing interest in the things once loved, losing or gaining weight, becoming disconnected, blah blah blah and so on.

I say the signs are feeling like you're trapped and you'll never get out.

I need help getting out of this box.

Today was probably the most infuriating day I've ever had. Mrs. Mary Patt Sheridan, the alcoholic, loony, overweight humanities teacher hauled of and slapped this guy Alex in class today. Then, when I made a comment to him after class that he should talk to the principal about it, she bitched me out. In the middle of the hallway. Told me I was "out of line" and that she "helped me in my time of need" so I shouldn't say anything about her. Basically trying to talk me out of getting her in trouble. Everytime I'd try to say something she'd interupt me, until finally she said that what I was doing was uncalled for. I looked her straight in the eye and said "what you did was uncalled for" and she told me to mind my own business and go to class.

Part of me wants so bad for her to get fired. No one likes her. Yes, she's a good teacher. But she enforces her beliefs on people, talks about drinking all the time, and believes her way is the right way. I can't believe her! I can't believe she would hit a student. That just baffles me.

Spencer and I talked today like we haven't talked in a while. He really knows what's going on with me, and it helps to have him around. I think that's partially why I'm still so attracted to him, because he understands. He always brings me to tears though. Which I can't take.

He told me he loved me. This is a first. I realize he told me this so I wouldn't do anything stupid, and probably because I told him first, but still...he's never said it before. And it wasn't an "i love ya" or "love ya" but a straight out "I love you." I need him here. I need a hug.

Life deals out blows. We learn to take the blows. That's about all I have to say on that subject...for some reason I just needed to say it.

I just finished watching Shall We Dance? with Mom and Dad. Cute movie. A lot of good lines. Movies like that always make me depressed though. I can't help but thinking will I ever find someone to dance with for the rest of my life? I'm only 18 though, I still have time right?

Today is Easter. Yay, whoo-hoo, hallelujah, Jesus has risen, and all that good stuff.

Church was....well....interesting to say the least this morning.

Parked in the parking lot because there were no spaces left on the street. Preceded to run from the parking lot into church, only to become soaked on my way in. Oh, and did I mention I was already late? Got into the sanctuary where the rest of the youth choir was. Scooted in so Frank wouldn't notice that I was ten minutes late. Failed to be unnoticed. Practiced for our wonderful song that was performed in both services. Here's a little run-down of how it goes. Each of us (meaning the youth) sat in a random spot of the sanctuary next to people we didn't know. The music started, and one by one we all jumped up screaming "He is alive!" and we ran to the front of the sanctuary. Once up there, the actual song began, and we did the motions that Frank taught us. We looked like cheerleaders for Christ.

All in all it was fun. But I'll be perfectly content if I don't have to do that again.

Other part of the morning that was fun. Will suggested going to Starbucks between services. I was all for it, so despite the rain I started running down the sidewalk. Only to turn around and realize I was the only one outside. So I went inside, talked Grace and Nathan into going with me. Neither of them wanted to get wet. I honestly didn't care. But to humor them, I grabbed an umbrella from behind the door (I figured that since everyone was in church then whoever's umbrella we had, they wouldn't miss it) and we went to Starbucks. I thoroughly annoyed the lady working this morning. I think she was glad to see me leave. But she got smart with me first, so she had it coming.

I swear, my church was a haven for hot guys today. Both services. I could look around and pick out atleast 5 guys that were incredibly good looking. Of course, I didn't talk to any of them. Well, I didn't say anything more than "excuse me" to any of them. Yes, I made an effort to be near them. How desperate am I? I talked to Will's dad too. That was interesting. He's now going to try to convince his son to take me to his senior prom. I'm all for it, except it's the night before youth Sunday. Which means if I go, I'll be extremely tired the next morning. Frank will be furious with me if I go, but I'm not really worried about Frank at this time. I doubt Will would ask me, but we'll see.

I came home and was going to work on my eSchool but decided to watch a little TV first. I was tired, and didn't feel like working on homework. Definitely fell asleep watching TV. And it's now 6:40 and I haven't started eSchool yet. But it doesn't really matter, because now that Courtney has decided we're not going anywhere for Spring Break, I'll have that week to finish it. I talked to Josh about going to Knoxville for a few days over Spring Break. He says he's all for it, so I may try to go visit him. It should be exciting. And my parents are going to let me too. Which is a first. I mean, how many parents of an 18 year old girl would let their daughter stay with a guy they've never met who's in college? Of course, I may have told a little fib to get them to say yes...but it's harmless. Josh is a good guy. He would never do anything to betray my trust.

It's getting late. I really need to work on eSchool. Fun.

I've been thinking. I really need some more friends on here. I have one. Is that supposed to tell me something? If so...I suck.

I stayed home from school today. I was just so tired. I don't know why either, I took a long nap yesterday afternoon and I fell asleep around 11 or 12.

I decided last night that I'm definitely going to visit Josh over Spring Break. The last three days (Thursday-Saturday). We're getting a hotel room. But shhh...don't tell my parents. I figure I can splurge because I'd already saved money to go to Hilton Head. Now I'm very excited. But it means I have to go shopping...I can't sleep in my regular pjs while I'm there. Not if Josh is staying with me!

I know...typical girl. Shutting up now.

We text messaged eachother last night for almost 2 hours. It made me laugh. Especially when I told him he didn't need to pay for anything, that he'd pay me back another way. He asked how and I said I'd leave it to him to dream about. His response: "hehe, oh yeah, you just want to make me horny you loser. haha. you win."

I'm definitely excited. Nothing like a cute, horny guy to make a trip worthwhile. I swear....I'm a good girl.

Sarah, you should come up to Knoxville for a day. We could all go out to a movie or something. I guess it depends on how long of a drive it is though. It would be fun!!

Our phone line is down and Bell South is here. I'm home alone and look like a mess, I really don't feel like opening the door. This is the second time in 20 minutes the guy has been here. Creepy Bell South guy! Every time I see him I run to my room like a little kid. AH!!

I can't believe it. I got a $3,000 vocal scholarship for PC. This is incredible. Definitely will help out next year and the next 4 years. I'm so excited. Mom is too...can't get ahold of Dad.

Along with my letter, PC sent me a complimentary DVD of the choir's Christmas program, which I heard was amazing. Going to go watch it now!!

I'm so excited!

I'm so excited! I get to go see my Joshua over Spring Break! I talked to him last night on the phone for about an hour, I think we've got everything straightened out as far as plans are concerned. I talked to Mom last night about it. She's actually cool with me getting a hotel room. That's when you know your parents trust you too much.

Now I just need to finish my eSchool and I get to see Josh!

It feels so wonderful out today. I wore a skirt to school...definitely got so risque comments about it. Mostly just guys staring at me with their mouths open. I even had one guy look at me through the library window, then grab his friend and showed me to him. That was interesting. My school's full of pervs.

I'm feeling tired. I shouldn't because I slept for 6 hours this afternoon, but I am. So far Spring Break isn't what I was hoping it to be. But it's a break, which I need.

Ironic happenings of today and yesterday:

-I attempted to look good for school then got sick in first period (we're talking puke-sick)

-I actually wanted to stay at school.

-Mom asked me if there was a chance I was pregnant (not really ironic, just funny)

-Yesterday I got out of a pap smear. But the doctor said, and I quote, "if you become sexually active within the next week, you must get a pap." (if you don't know why I say this is ironic, don't ask)

-There was no need for me to go to school today.

-Brandon and I left at exactly the same time, although he was skipping and I was leaving b/c I was sick.

-I stayed through 4th period to see Ken and Vince, but they both slept the whole time.

-Kristin got to school just when I was leaving.

I can't think of anything else. My brain hurts. Too much thinking for one day. Au revoir!

I just finished talking to Will. Hilarious kid. And through this conversation I have come up with a quote of the day. Said by me, about what I would do in a battle. Here goes:

"i'd carry a huge sausage and scream 'eat my meat bitches!!'"

Now if you don't find that funny...you should get your head checked.

Or maybe when taken out of context it's not that funny.

Either way, I found it hilarious.

I've got three days to finish my eSchool. Yay. Can I do it? Hell yes I can. Will I? I have to, because if I don't then I can't see Josh, and then there will be one very angry Ami, one very angry Josh, and one very angry Will. (Will's going with me and then I'm dropping him off at his friend Hao's house.)

I haven't taken my meds in two days. Too lazy to I guess. I'm not really feeling much different, less energy, but that may be because I just woke up. Who knows.

I keep thinking of something I want to write here but then when I get ready to write it, I forget.

Oh yeah...last night I babysat for a family that I've babysat for before. Nothing new. Except last night, Polly, the mom, asked me, "Do you know who Point of Grace is?" Um...yeah, of course I do. "Well, Heather Payne of Point of Grace lives in that house right there and she's looking for a babysitter and a nanny. Should I give her your number??" Is there anyway I could not say yes to that??? I mean, Heather Payne...Point of Grace...a singer, a christian singer at that...that would be a dream come true! To work for a christian singer! And the nanny position, she wants someone who will be able to go on tour with her, and watch the kids while she's on stage. How cool would that be??

But I'm counting my chickens before they've hatched. I don't even know if she'll call me. But it's still nice to think about.

skimaine26: i'd walk to louisville for you!
skimaine26: well, i'd probably get 10 miles or so and then start hitching

Josh, I love you. That made my day.

All these emotions pent up inside

were finally released tonight

with that kiss, that fatal kiss

that turned our perfect world

into a swirling masquerade of emotions.

Did I do the right thing,

should I feel bad?

You tell me it's ok but I know

it's eating at you inside

Do you tell her what happened,

or do you just lie low?

I wish I could tell you

how to make this alright

but I didn't consider any of this

all I thought about was the kiss.

What do you do when you make one of your best guy friends cheat on his girlfriend of two years? His exact words "I wouldn't have let it happen if I didn't want it to." Is that supposed to make me feel better? Well it does kind of, just because I know that he wanted to kiss me. But still...do I leave it up to him to figure this out, do I hide my feelings for him from now on, do I act like nothing ever happened??

Maybe for now I'll take Ken's advice. "Don't worry about it. Just live in the moment for now. You know you liked it."

Damn right I know I liked it. I'm an evil person. I think I'm going to hell for this. 

After a grueling 4 months of working on eSchool, I am proud to say that I AM DONE!!!!!!

Now it's time to go party like it's 1999....or 2999...I give up. It's just time to go party!

I'm going to Knoxville tomorrow for sure now!!! YES!!

Just got home from Knoxville. I had a wonderful time. It's good to be back though. That drive was a bitch. I was so afraid that I'd fall asleep, especially when Will was right beside me snoring. It was definitely worth it all though.

Highlights of the past two days:

~Josh and my tickle fight

~Meeting the Greg's

~Seeing how much Colleen has grown

~Watching Colleen and Josh play lions

~Drinking Chinese beer

~Getting hit on by the waiter at Calhouns

~Losing at Halo...nothing new there

~Having Josh explain to me how he managed to get a parking ticket in my car

Wow, one of the suggested tags for this blog is "josh has a vagina." I'm just going to sit here and laugh for a little while about that.

This is me indirectly telling Vince why he sucks. So here goes:

Vince is one of the only guys that I have ever wanted to kiss really badly. And then, after I did kiss him, I wanted to do it again. This rarely happens. In fact, I only know of about 2 guys that this has happened with. And it drives me crazy because I can't date him. And as much as I wish I could, I know it wouldn't be fair to him or me. I'm leaving for college in the fall. This is just an infatuation, right? So I should just get over it. But I can't. And it bugs the hell out of me. And it doesn't help that I have to see him every day. But I want to see him everyday.

See why he sucks?

I made a post yesterday. I know I did. So how come it's not here? Grr....

This is a depressing week. Everywhere I turn people are reminding me that school's almost over, that I'm leaving in the fall, and that I have to start making my goodbyes. I don't want to. But I do. Major juxtaposition there. But that's how my life seems to be lately.

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Amelia Elizabeth Owens's Aliases

Your movie star name: Cereal John

Your fashion designer name is Amelia Paris

Your socialite name is Amelia Bedilia Charlotte

Your fly girl / guy name is A Owe

Your detective name is Tiger Ballard

Your barfly name is Yogurt Screwdriver

Your soap opera name is Elizabeth Langdon

Your rock star name is Caramellos Horse

Your star wars name is Amemis Owevin

Your punk rock band name is The Happy Pigeon

Going prom shopping in a little while. That should be fun. Got asked to junior prom on Wednesday. Prom is tomorrow. Nice. Very nice. But I'm prepared, I have my dress, my shoes, and I got off work. Now all I need is a bra and to figure out how to do my hair. Should be fairly easy. Right?

I'm going to bust a cap in this guy's ass if he doesn't get here soon. I'm all ready to go to prom and everything. Now get here! Grr...

Mom took pictures. Tres cute. I'll post them up here later. It's "too much of a hassle" right now. Did I spell hassle right? Hm....quote from Mom by the way.

I've decided over no deliberation whatsoever that Kristin's parents will now be referred to as Mama and Papa Fentress. Just because I love them. They've taken more pictures of me before my school dances than my own parents have. Now that's love.

I was invited to Manual's prom earlier this week. At first I declined because my mom said it would interfere with youth Sunday. But now she's letting me go. Which means I'll have attended two proms in the past two days. And it also means that I won't get to sleep tonight like I wanted to. But oh well...it should be fun.

And I get to wear the other dress I bought. Tres exciting.

Speaking of dresses...I ripped mine last night. Very funny...let's just say it wasn't made for my style of dancing.

As I promised, here are some pictures from prom. And two of me halfway ready for prom today. Enjoy.

Me before my date arrived yesterday.

Me and my date (Doug).

Me today goofing off with the camera.

Me still goofing off with the camera.

More to come soon! And by soon I mean probably tomorrow. Have to go get my dress on now!

Prom was fun last night. I saw way too many people there that I knew. It was kind of odd actually. The entire Trinity gang was there...but that didn't surprise me. Seeing Laura and Taylor together made me really mad...I wanted to go scream at them so bad.

Youth Sunday was today. Words can't describe the emotions that filled the sanctuary. After the sermon by me and Bill, many parents were teary eyed. Then as soon as Katie and I started singing Friend, the tears flowed. Including mine. It was refreshing, but sad at the same time. It really put into focus how badly I don't want to leave my church.

In other news...here are two more prom pictures from last night. Still more to come though once I get mine developed.

Me and my date, Will. I was putting on his boutinere.

Me and Will again. Check out that corsage...it was so pretty!

I had the biggest scare of my life today.

I was in my first car accident. I was driving. And it was my fault. (Sort of)

The girl in front of me slammed on her brakes, but by the time I realized it, it was too late. I smashed into her, which banged up the front of my car. It's still drivable, but it looks really bad. I wasn't hurt, I just have a sore back from where I was jerked from the impact. I've never been so scared in my life.

The girl was really cool about it though. She got out of the car and started apologizing right away, letting me know that she didn't blame me. She knew that it was partially her fault, which was a good thing. I would have hated to argue with her about it.

We had to wait an hour for the cops to come. When he finally got there, all he did was ask us to move our cars and then took down our information. The rest is up to us.

Right now it's looking like I'm going to have to get a new hood, new front thingamabob, and a new something else. Atleast my lights weren't damaged.

Now, onto other news. Spencer came over last night. Very interesting. We ended up making out on my back porch. When Spencer left, I walked him to his car. We kissed again. Brandon was outside and he saw. So when Spencer pulled off, Brandon asked me who he was. I told him it was my ex-boyfriend. Brandon replied with, "EX-boyfriend...right." Yeah...I'm a little confused about that too.

Today, after the wreck, the first person I called was my dad. The second, Spencer. He didn't do much to help, but then again there wasn't much he could do. He did call me just now after he got off work to make sure I was ok and to see if he could stop by. Too bad Mom makes me go to bed at 9.

It's just been an interesting and tragic day. My car is messed up, my emotions are tangled up, and I'm tired out the wazoo. Not to mention we did absolutely nothing in school today. And we won't do anything tomorrow either. Blah.

Peter Llewelyn Davies: This is absurd. It's just a dog.
J.M. Barrie: Just a dog? Porthos dreams of being a bear, and you want to shatter those dreams by saying he's just a dog? What a horrible candle-snuffing word. That's like saying, He can't climb that mountain, he's just a man, or That's not a diamond, it's just a rock. Just.

Continuing with my obsession with Peter Pan stories, I watched Finding Neverland today. I have to say, aside from the newest version of Peter Pan (with Jeremy Sumpter), this has got to be one of my favorite movies. It's beautiful and inspirational and wonderful and sad and funny and....everything a Peter Pan story should be. I sat in aw while I was watching it. And not because Johnny Depp stared in it. Because it's just that powerful.

Words can't describe how I feel right now. But then again I haven't taken my meds today...so I guess this is the real me talking right now? Or is the me on meds the real me? This is confusing.

Plainly, I want to go back to how I was when I was five. I want to still be able to imagine I'm a princess stuck in a tower and not feel silly about it. I want to be able to wear tights under my shorts and a too-too around town if I feel like it. I want to dance in the street when I want to dance in the street. I want to let go of all inhibitions I have. I want to live. I want to fly to Neverland. I want to be Wendy and soar beside Peter for the rest of my life.

I swear I just heard something that sounded like a hamster on a spinner-wheel-thingy coming from my brother's room. I'm home alone. And there's a ghost hamster in my brother's room.

I have a headache. Actually, to be a bit more precise, I'm a bit hungover. Not good, I know. But what's a gal to do. When your best friend tells you that the Riverbats have a game on Thursday night and it's also $1 beer night, and you get your hopes up because you know that you haven't been drunk in a long time and you just need to have that feeling of incoherence for a while, but then your friend calls and tells you that there is no game, but that she has some gin at a friends house that we can sip, and she comes to pick you up, and then somehow, magically, you remember that your friend Brandon always has alcohol, so you call him and you find out that he's got wine up the wazoo, so he sells you some for $11, everything seems good, and you get to your friends friend's house (yes I meant to do that), and she's got her own apartment which means you can drink up all you want without being caught PLUS she offers to take you home, you think What the hell?, I mean, really, what can go wrong, so you drink, more than anyone else actually, you basically chug the whole bottle of wine, plus have a shot of gin, and before you know it, you're drunk!

I'm really not sure where I was going with that. Last night was an interesting night which consisted of one drunk person, me, one tipsy person, Court, and one sober person, Mary. I know Mary has to think I'm such an alcoholic, but honestly, that was my first time drinking in about 2 months. And if I wasn't on Paxil, I wouldn't have been drunk as fast as I was.

I am ashamed...especially because I got drunk on a school night, and I came home trashed, and my brother saw me trashed. That's the worst feeling ever, knowing that you've let down someone who looks up to you. So here is my solemn vow...starting in August, I will not drink UNLESS it's socially. If I do drink, it will not be enough to get me drunk. Next year I'm cleaning up my act.

Why not start now you say? Because I have all summer to get this out of me...and it will probably take that long.

Whenever my family and I would go visit relatives, we almost always stopped at Crackle Barrel to eat. I would walk around the gift shop area...particulary the toy section. I remember always seeing this one toy. My brother and I were facinated by it. In fact, I think I cried one time because Mom wouldn't buy it for me.

This toy was a little plastic package, meant to look like a shipping crate. It had stickers all over it for the places to send it to, and of course the "This side up" sticker. When you pressed the button on the side of it, the box would start shaking, and a voice would yell, "Hey! Hey! Get me out of here!!" I always thought that toy was hilarious.

Now to my point. Lately, I've felt like the person trapped in that box. I just sit here screaming "get me out of here" but no one seems to hear or care. I realize that this is all relative to the fact that I haven't taken my anti-depressants in two days, which isn't good. So I go take them...then what? I become this zombie, this person that is upbeat and happy and energetic. But is that me?

I don't even know who the real me is anymore. This thought frightens me. I'm no longer able to tell if the happy me is me, or if the depressed me is me. They're both me I suppose, but it sucks because I can't be the happy me without meds, and I don't want to be the depressed me.

I'm just sick of having to rely on meds to keep me happy...and alive.

A - Age you got your first kiss: summer before 8th grade...so I would have been 12

B - Band listening to right now: Boxcar Racer - Sorrow

C - Crush: Vince

D - Dad's Name: Bill

E - Easiest person (people) to talk to: Kristin, Ken, Skippy

F - Favorite bands at the moment: The Killers, Taking Back Sunday, Green Day, Jimmy Eat World

G - Gummy worms or gummy bears?: Gummy worms...I feel bad eating bears 

H - Hometown: Louisville

I - Instruments: I used to play piano, then flute, then french horn, then guitar, now I sing...but hopefully I'll pick the guitar up again soon 

J- Junior High: I'm supposing this is the equivilent to Middle School...I went to three...South Edgecombe, Wesport Traditional, and Kammerer 

K - Kids: I want 4 

L - Longest car ride ever: hm...driving to Louisville from Pinetops, NC probably...I don't know...we always have long car rides 

M - Mom's name: Peggy

N - Nicknames: Ami (short for Amelia), Amos, Amo, Ames, Ami Beth 

O - One wish: To find fulfillment in life and to share it with someone else.  

P - Phobia[s]: I am terribly scared of spiders...I literally start crying and hyperventilating when I see one 

Q - Quote: "Nothing isn't nothing, nothing's something that's important to me, and everyone's a little nothing that's ok that's how it should be." - Ben Kweller 

R - Reason to smile: it keeps me going 

S- Last song you heard: "Nietzsche's Eyes" by Paula Cole 

T - Time you woke up [today]: 10ish 

U - Unknown fact about me: I don't keep secrets from my friends. I'm basically an open book...I can keep a secret if you tell me one, but when it comes to me personally, I tell just about everything. I guess it's because I always hate it when people keep secrets from me. 

V - Vegetable you hate: Cauliflower...yuck

W - Worst habit(s): I say whatever's on my mind at any given moment...it gets me in a lot of trouble. I also bite my fingernails when I'm nervous or hungry. 

X - X-rays you've had: oh geez...I've had a ton. Let's start with the ones I got on Wednesday...those were of my knee and back, I've also had an upper and lower GI, and I've had x-rays of my shoulder, wrist, chest, ankle, foot, and mouth...I think that's all of them.

Y - Yummy food: pineapples, bananas, strawberries, mac'n'cheese, and mashed potatoes 

Z - Zodiac sign: Pisces

Today has been terrible. I've never felt so bad. Ok, I have....but the last time I felt this helpless was when Spencer attempted suicide. And nothing like that has happened today.

It started off with the normal routine of my parents coming in to wake me up and me staying in bed. I tried to explain that due to the stupid scheduling of CATS testing there was no point for me to go in until 10. So I stayed in bed. Mom just yelled at me and threatened to throw water on my head.

Dad...in a stroke of brilliance...decided to come in the room and pour a glass of water on my head. Then when I started screaming at him, he yanked my covers off. So then I'm screaming even more. And just when I thought it couldn't get any worse...he grabs my arm and tries to pull me off the bed. By now I'm screaming at him to get his hands off of me. If mom hadn't come in, he would have beat the crap out of me. And that is no lie.

So mom walks in, tells my dad to get out of my room, and she starts screaming at me. By now I'm already late for school so I figure there's no point in getting out of bed. Mom literally came in every five minutes to yell at me until around 9. Then they both left.

Before leaving my mom tells me that I am not allowed to go anywhere the rest of this week...including prom.

I fell asleep...didn't wake up til around 2. So I missed school...not on purpose. When I woke up, there were about 5 text messages from Ken, Vince, and Kristin asking me where I was and why I wasn't at school.

I got up and got on the computer. And found a note from my dear parental units. Basically the note reads: "Ami, Your car payment is now due, plus $38.77 for your phone bill. Please make payment before Friday, April 29, 2005. If payment is not made by 5PM on Friday, you will lose access to the car and the phone. Mom."

Now, this tells me that my parents, not only have now restricted me from any freedom I may have, but don't have the guts to tell me that they're taking away my car and my phone. And yes, they will be taking them both away. Well...my car atleast.

I can't make my car payment. As I explained to Jason, due to no hours at LAC and my trip to Knoxville, I only have about $140 in my bank account. That's actually $140 total...meaning I have no more money than that. I owe my parents about $180. So I can make my phone payment, but not the car payment. Which means...bye bye car.

I hate this. I'm freaking 18 years old. It is my decision whether I go to school or not. It is not, in any way, my parents decision. If I don't want to go to school...I won't go. End of story.

Yes, I know I'm sounding like a spoiled brat right now but honestly, I could care less. I'm so sick of all this stupid drama at home.

My dad needs to learn to keep his freaking hands to himself. I swear, if he ever touches me again I'm leaving. I can't stay in a house with a man I despise any more. I can't. He drives me crazy. The thing is...I know he can't stand me. How do I know this? He constantly praises my brother but anything I do, all I get is a "well...you could have done this better." I was snooping around the other day and found all these cards and memorabilia from things my brother did with my dad. Was there a single thing from me? No. I have tried my entire life to please him...I can't do it anymore. I'm not even going to bother trying. All he does is come back and tell me something I did wrong.

And I can't deal with him touching me. I don't want him near me. He scares me to death. Yes, my dad hit me as a kid. The last time he ever inflicted physical pain on me...aside from this morning, was about 2 years ago when he clothes-lined me as I was trying to get away from him. He's got a temper that can't be contained and honestly, I'm lucky I made it to see the age of 18. If it weren't for my mom...I'd be dead by now. And that's the honest to God truth.

Now I don't even have my mom to help me out. She's not talking to me. I wouldn't talk to me either if I was her, but still...she's my mom.

I'm so mad right now I can't even breathe. My hands are shaking. I wish there was something I could do to make all this anger go away. But I can't. And now I'm bleeding. I haven't done this since I found out about Spencer....what the hell's wrong with me?

So I figured out why I went temporarily insane yesterday. My post yesterday was just the beginning of it all...after getting off of the computer I went in my room and started shaking and crying and talking to myself...very odd.

Anywho...so the reason (or atleast what I think was the reason) for my behavior...I skipped two days of my Paxil. Which isn't good. On top of that, I got upset, so it added to the depression. So I basically just lost it. Dennis and Adrien came over to find me sitting outside with wood glue trying to put together these little clay figurines I made a while back that broke.

They decided it was unsafe to leave me alone, so they took me to go run errands with them. Dennis somehow managed to glance at my arms and realize I'd done a number on them, so I got the "promise me you'll never cut again" lecture. And the thing is, I don't cut...that's not me. I was just so lost yesterday that I did. And it scares me.

 I started feeling a little better by the time we got done, probably because I took two Paxil before leaving, so I would mellow out. That helped, but it kept me wired all night.

Now to the good part of the story. Kristin and Loren called to tell me to meet them up at Body Art Emporium because Loren, Mark, and Jon Mitchell were all getting tattoos. So I met them up there. After about an hour, they talked me into getting a tattoo. I picked out this really cute one that was only going to cost me about $30. I was third on the list to get one, and the guy told me that he wasn't going to do anymore that night. Loren was pissed because this meant he couldn't get his either. So we drove all the way out to freaking Preston Highway to go to Tattoo Charlie's.

When we got there I couldn't find the tattoo I wanted, so I started looking at piercings. Finally I decided between eyebrow, nose, or belly button piercings.

And just because I knew it would piss off my mom....I got my eyebrow pierced. Plus I wanted it done. So now my eyebrow is pierced. Almost all my guy friends love it, as do a lot of my girl friends. It's definitely different, that's for sure.

I have 31 pairs of shoes. That's just sad.

Now to go finish cleaning my room and find out what else I have stowed away in there.

God help me.

I decided while cleaning to make a list of things I've learned today...for future reference. This is also so I can remember what exactly goes into cleaning my room.

-I own enough shoes to wear a different pair every single day for a month.

-If you can make 3 stacks of clothes, each over 2 feet tall, of clothes that were just on your bedroom floor, then you don't clean your room often enough.

-The desk in my room is, GASP, white, not pink.

-I have enough makeup to make a drag queen shriek in excitement.

-The best way to get dust and other small particles out of dried roses...drop them on a hard surface.

-It takes over 2 hours to thoroughly clean my room. I've been at it for about that long, and still have atleast another hour to go.

-Spiders like to make webs everywhere, this includes on the bottom of stools...so look out for those creepy eight-legged monsters!

-my bed, while a perfectly good place to temporarily store items, is, in fact, the place where I sleep...so when picking things up off the floor, it is best to put them where they belong, instead of on my bed.

-Finding things you forgot you had is always a good thing, unless of course they make you cry or angry, then burn them...burn them fast.

-Lighting candles while cleaning makes the experience a lot less stressful...unless the wax creates a bigger mess for you to clean.

-Don't shower before cleaning. You will only get sweaty and dirty...which in turn makes you need another shower.

-Clean when you feel like cleaning, or when you have to. But waiting a year between cleanings is probably not a good idea.

And last but not least....

-When you wake up in the morning and can't see the floor, or you trip over things you didn't know you own, or when you find bags and boxes of things you bought that you've never worn, then it's time to clean your room!

And THAT is what I learned today. Adios amigos!

Last night Heather took me to see Michael W. Smith as a belated birthday present. Before I get into the events of the concert, let me explain my relationship with Heather.

Heather and I met our freshman year and instantly became best friends. We were inseprable. The summer before sophomore year we went to see Michael W. Smith when he did his live recording at Southeast Christian. It was amazing. During sophomore year, Heather and I fought a lot. We still hung out, but not as much as we did the year before. In the fall of our sophomore year, Michael came to a local Wal-Mart to release and sign his newest CD, Worship Again, which was the CD recorded at the concert we went to earlier that year. Heather and I went, bonded again, and met Michael. The futher we got into sophomore year though, the farther we grew apart. Junior year we spoke, but not much. We would meet in the hallways and chat for a while before school. Josh Groban came to town in April, so I decided to take Heather to see him for her birthday. It was awkward. Neither of us had the energy or the enthusiasm that we used to have when we were together. But it was still amazing. Senior year has come and almost gone. And Heather and I no longer talk. Randomly, she approched me in the hall about 2 months ago to tell me that Michael was coming to town and that she wanted to take me for my birthday. Figuring as how it was Michael and a free concert for me, I told her I'd love to go. I almost forgot that I was going to see Michael, because I never talked to Heather. Now onto last night.

Heather picked me up around 6. I came outside in my Michael shirt, Taking Back Sunday jacket, and eyebrow piercing. Let me just say that I was a sight...especially for someone going to a Christian concert. I brought a notebook with me that Heather and I bought while waiting to see Michael our sophomore year. We had tracked our experiences with Michael in that notebook, and it also held notes that showed the delapidation of our friendship. In our excitement, Heather and I acted like best friends again, chatting away without a care in the world.

And then one of the women that was going with us asked me, "So Ami, what do you want to do with your life?" My reply, "I want to be a youth minister." Heather just looked at me and said, "You confuse me." I asked her how, and she wrote me a note explaining. "You want to be a youth minister but you smoke weed, drink, curse, and I've heard that you do and don't have sex (don't know which one's true.)"

Now this hit me...and hit me hard. I realize that smoking and drinking are not good...but sex? What does sex have to do with becoming a youth minister? I wrote Heather back, "hmm...interesting points. Now let me correct you. I used to smoke (mainly peer pressure), I don't drink often (I've only been drunk about 4 times), and the cursing is a bad habit that, despite my efforts, I can't seem to break. As far as sex is concerned, I'm still a virgin and plan to be until I'm in love or married (haven't decided yet). I know I've made a lot of mistakes, but I've learned from them and am still learning. That clear things up?"

After that Heather was perfectly fine with me. It was like we were still best friends.

We got the the concert, bought some ice cream (neither of us had enough money to get any merch), and went to go find our seats. We were in Floor 3, Row B, Seats 15 and 16. Now to create a visual image for you, we were literally about 15 feet from the stage. Not even that far. Michael's piano was right in front of us...we were literally in the front and center. These two women in front of us laughed at our excitement and joked with us through the whole concert. We even got pictures with them.

The concert was amazing. Undescribable. I suppose I should explain my relationship with Michael as well.

My first encounter with Michael W. Smith's music was when I was 7. My mom took a group of youth from my church to Kingsdominion in Richmond, VA to obviously, go on the rides and have fun, but also to see a concert. The singer? Michael W. Smith. It was incredible. I remember sitting there, not feeling very well, thinking I really like this guy, he's not half bad. After that night I asked my mom if she had any of his CDs. She had two, which quickly became mine. I listened to them non-stop. I became obsessed. His music was beautiful and it fit every mood I was in. I got to go to another one of his concerts while I was living in NC. It was amazing. It was for the Live the Life tour. I still remember the background of the stage and the songs that he sang. It all just stuck in my mind. I think I was around 10 or 11 then. When we moved to KY, I went through a really hard time. I was lost, confused, homesick, and depressed. Michael's music kept me going. I soon found out that he also had a few books that he'd written, so I purchased two. Reading those helped me get through the tough times as well. Then when I got to see him again, sophomore year, it changed my life. I remember that night so well. I could write a book about it. So to spare you the details, let me just put it this way...Michael's message and music were so powerful, and they hit right at home. I left the concert feeling like a completely different person. I was closer to God than I have ever been before. It was after that concert that I decided I wanted to go into the ministry. I started losing my relationship with God though, especially this year. I still knew that God was there, but I didn't feel close to Him at all. And it's been bothering me. A lot.

Last night made me realize that God was not the one who had lost me. But I had lost God. I had taken the path of my friends, and not God. I'd made wrong decisions, and each of those decisions took me further and further down the wrong path. The songs Michael sang last night touched me so deeply. I had heard them all before, but hearing them in person, and hearing his reasons for writing them made a huge impact. I played the part of a crazed fan, a devoted listener, and a worshiper. I walked away from the concert with Michael's set list, the words to one of his songs, his guitar pick, and a new sense of my relationship with God.

Sometimes it just takes a little reminder to guide us back to the light. My reminder has always been Michael. It's almost as if God is sending me a sign...Michael's coming to town...better get ready to straighten up! I couldn't ask for a better night. I got to see the one person I admire more than anyone else and I strengthened my relationship with God. What more could you want?

I promise...this was my last prom. After this...no more dresses, no more hairdos, no more stressing. Actually, technically I'm done with the dresses, hairdos, and stressing. So let's all jump for joy!

For a little clarification, Saturday night was my senior prom. I feel so old! I looked forward to that night ever since I was a little kid. It didn't happen like I planned, but it was wonderful. By far the best prom I've ever been to. It was amazing. Here are a few pictures my mom took. When Josh sends me the ones he took, I'll post them too.

Me and Josh before prom.

Our Prom party...from left to right, clockwise: Andrew, Ryan, Dennis (he's yawning), Josh, Me, Darlane, and Emily.

The boys looking sharp. Aren't they adorable?

Us girls...we were bored to death by this time...and sick of smiling.

That's the last of the pictures...but don't fret! There's more to come!

Here are the rest of my prom pictures: http://community.webshots.com/user/summersbliss

Enjoy!!!

Today was senior cut day, in case no one else celebrates it but good ol' Jefferson County. I've waited four years for this day, and it was worth it. Unfortunately I couldn't skip the whole day because I had my AP Literature exam, but as soon as it was out, I was too. Matt, Geoff and I went out to eat and then decided to make a movie. It's very...shall we say, interesting? Sarah will get to see it someday...definitely some funny stuff.

The other night as I was getting ready for bed I came up with an idea for a new sitcom. It would be a comedy. About me. It would start off with footage of me doing random things, like stuff from our movie today. And in the background you would hear me saying: "This is my story. I'm an 18 year old, fresh out of high school, and ready to embark on the biggest adventure of my life. The summer before college." And then the screen would pan out and you'd see me at graduation. The show would last for one season, and would be all about my adventures over the summer. I swear, it'd be the funniest show on television. I mean, I do some pretty stupid/funny things.

I had this whole thing planned out that I wanted to talk about on here, but now that I'm typing, nothing's coming to mind. I do have to say that I had a not-so-pleasant adventure. Dad, Will, and I went to Max and Erma's for dinner tonight. I was already in a pretty crappy mood, which was obvious, but my dad decided to it by informing me that he's been thinking of selling my car. By this time I was sitting in the car, silent, not sure of what to say. We got to the restaraunt and I just sat there in a daze, staring into oblivion, trying to keep my composure. After eating I made up my mind and announced to my dad that I would be walking home. Home being a good 3 miles atleast from Max and Erma's. So I got up, and walked home. It was good though, it gave me a chance to think and clear my mind.

I think that walk was just what the doctor ordered...or atleast what I needed.

While watching Peter Pan today with two African American boys, I came to a realization. As far as I know, there has never been a black character in any Disney cartoon movie. We'll go through them, shall we?

Peter Pan-Indians, Brittish people, and Neverland boys. No blacks.

Lady and the Tramp-dogs, and Brittish people. No blacks.

Mulan-Chinese people and whatever that one group of people was. No blacks.

Pocahontus-Indians and Brittish people. No blacks.

Cinderella-Brittish people or whatever country she was from. No blacks.

Beauty and the Beast-French people and a beast. No blacks.

The Jungle Book-Indian people. No blacks.

Fox and the Hound-dogs, foxes, other woodland animals, and Americans. No blacks.

Pinocchio-Italian people maybe? I forget where they were from. And some animals. No blacks.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs-don't know the country. No blacks.

Bambi-woodland creatures. No blacks.

Anastasia-Russians. No blacks.

Dumbo-Circus animals and Americans. No blacks.

Alice and Wonderland-Brittish people. No blacks.

Sleeping Beauty-don't know the country. No blacks.

101 Dalmations-Brittish people and dogs. No blacks.

Aristocrats-Cats, dogs, and Brittish people. No blacks.

The Sword and the Stone-Brittish people. No blacks.

Robin Hood-woodland creatures acting like people. No blacks.

Oliver and Company-Americans, dogs, and cats. No blacks.

The Rescuers Down Under and The Rescuers-Americans and mice. No blacks.

The Little Mermaid-Sea creatures and some country. No blacks.

Aladdin-Arabians. No blacks.

The Lion King-Lions and other animals. No blacks.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame-French people, Gypsies, and gargoyles. No blacks.

Hercules-Greek people. No blacks.

Tarzan-Brittish people and apes. No blacks.

The Emporer's New Groove-not sure what country that is. No blacks.

Brother Bear-bears and Indians. No blacks.

Home on the Range-Cows and cowboys. No blacks.

Now, I did find two exceptions. Lilo and Stitch and Atlantis. BUT, both these movies have only ONE black character, and it is a large, African American male. Seems to me that Disney is a tad racist. Does this not bother anyone else?

I have this tendency to make drunken phone calls. Last night, I decided that it would be nicer to make drunken text messages...considering it was around 2 in the morning.

I got in this weird mood where all I wanted to do was talk to someone from NC. I called my cousin and accidently said that he was a dick...while on the phone with him. That didn't go over to well. Then I text messaged my first crush.

Justin Todd Whitley. The boy I had a crush on from the day I saw him til the day I left him. I still have a crush on him...or maybe the idea of him. I have notebooks from elementary and middle school filled with MASH games and little scribbles that all predict that I will marry Justin. Mrs. Ami Whitley...that's what they all say. Sort of scary when you think about it.

Back to my story though. I haven't talked to Justin in about a year. I randomly called him one night and we talked occassionally last summer, but I haven't seen him since 8th grade. So you can imagine my surprise when I recieved a text message today from him.

There are two messages in particular that I would like to comment about. They aren't in order, but the first one I'm going to let you read is one speaking of some pictures that my old best friend Lauren showed Justin, which included my senior pic: "O I think you're damn hot as hell! Like you always have been!"

That just made my day. And then there was this one, that makes me want to hop in my car and drive for 10 hours just to see him. "Hey, are you coming home any this summer?"

I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, but he referred to NC as home...even though it's technically no longer my home. But in my heart, it is my one and only home. He reminded me of that, even if he doesn't realize it. It amazes me that people can say something without realizing what an impact it will have on the other person.

I adore Justin. I always have and I always will. And he will always hold a special place in my heart. I mean, he's one of my firsts. And for him to refer to a place that I haven't seen in 4 years except in my dreams and memories as home, makes him all the more special to me.

It's Mother's Day and I've already let my mother down. I was so tired yesterday that I went to bed at 10.

10:00 on a Saturday night is a big deal to me. The thing is, I couldn't wake up this morning. I was still so tired. I finally woke up to find that my mom had called 4 times, mad because I wasn't at church. I feel really bad about it.

To move on to other things...my friend who shall remain nameless in case a certain person reads this has been trying to hook me up with this guy. She keeps telling me that he's "my type" (this is odd because I don't even know what "my type" is), is incredibly funny, and that we would get along great.

SOMEHOW....I don't know how, because she doesn't have my screenname nor does she know I have a livejournal...he found the address for my lj. And posted a comment on it. Then he instant messaged me. Then called me.

I talked on the phone with him for maybe half an hour, only to discover that, worst case scenario, if I were in a car with this guy, let's say the car was going 70 m/h, and he started talking, I wouldn't hesitate to open the door and jump out.

He creeped me out that much. All he seemed to be able to talk about was wrestling, masterbating, sex, the size of his penis, and that people should shave down there. Does this not freak out anyone else?

Oh and not to mention, when we were talking online, he made a comment that went something like this: "We've been dating for about 10 minutes now, so when are we going to make out?" I realize he was joking, and I even responded with a joke...but still, I've never even met the guy.

Now I'm just worried because he knows my lj address, screen name, and phone number. I guess I just have to get the guts to let him know I'm not interested.

So I'm in this manic depressive mood. I realize it's because I skipped my meds today and I've been at home for the past two days. Meaning I haven't left my house. At all. Except to go out to eat and shoe shopping today.

Only good part about that was I got some new Chucks. Got to love the Chucks.

This day just sucks. I made my mom mad. I'm bored out of my mind. I'm not allowed to go anywhere. I have nothing to do. I'm tired. I'm irritable. I want to go out but can't. I don't to go to school tomorrow. I'm stuck listening to this guy yap about his day and his "relationship" problems with a girl he's not even dating. And my stupid RealPlayer isn't working right.

Grrrrr....

As I was walking out of Ballard today there was a car parked outside the band hallway. Nothing new, after school there's always cars there. And as usual, I looked to see if it was anyone I knew. I glanced over, then did a double take, then a triple take, and so on, until I could no longer breath. The guy in the passenger seat looked almost identical to Caleb, if it wasn't Caleb himself. And the worst part was he watched me walk by. It seriously freaked me out like no other. So I had my first panic attack today in about a month or so. And I thought I was through with that.

On another note, I talked to Ski Jump today. Finally. After talking about how cute his nose is for the past 5 months I finally got the chance to talk to him. He sat beside me while we were on the computers.

Right now I'm extremely tired and need a nap, but can't take one because I have to work in a few. This bites.

As a warning to all 2 of you who may read this, it's going to be a depressing entry. Due to my depressed mood at the moment.

I'm pissed off at myself. I didn't wake up for school today. Yes I have a major case of senioritis, but I actually wanted to go to school today. I have 5 days left, and there are people I want to spend those 5 days with.

I started working on my graduation announcements last night. It's a little late to be sending them out, but atleast they're getting out. I decided I'm sending an invitation to each of my old friends from NC, even though I haven't heard anything from some of them in years. I'm going to write a letter as well. A letter of thanks, appreciation, and sorrow that I had to leave them.

In a search to find addresses, I came across a scrapbook I made from NC. All my friends signed it to let me know how much they'd miss me. In the back of the notebook I made a section for notes and invitations and random things. I flipped through the pages and randomly turned to one that had three notes stuck to it. I opened the bottom note and read it.

It was from Justin Whitley, the boy that I had a crush on all through elementary and middle school. In the note he talked about the homecoming dance that we had just had, and how he was so mad because I paid all my attention to my friend Brent. But that when Justin finally got a chance to dance with me, he was the happiest person alive to be "dancing with someone so beautiful."  

I remember that note well. When he wrote it, we were an "item." A middle school item that is. The kind of boyfriend/girlfriend item that talked in the halls and wrote notes to eachother, and maybe occassionally gave eachother hugs. Being a couple meant we talked on the phone every night and paid special attention to eachother. That was all.

After I got that note, I got scared. Justin was expressing feelings for me that sounded like love, something I had only imagined, and that seemed so glorious for people who were older, but not for a girl in 7th grade. I broke up with him after that. I told him I didn't feel as strongly about him.

I remember that well. I beat myself up over it the remainder of my time at South Edgecombe. I had lost the one person who cared about me more than anyone else, or atleast that's what I thought. I'm still mad I let him go. But it was 7th grade.

So now my goal is to see Justin again. To tell him how much he meant to me and still means to me. And to see if maybe that childhood infatuation is still there. Part of me desperately wants it to be. I want Justin to be my first love. I'm not exactly sure why.

Last night I also started thinking about August. It's 3 months away. In 3 months I'll be in SC, away from everything and everyone I know and love. Far, far away. Will I be ok on my own? Everyone else there will be a few hours or even just a few minutes from their families. My closest family will be an hour away, but as much as I love my cousin, seeing him will not make me feel better if I'm homesick. I guess I'm worried, as I should be. And I'm scared.

But college is a step I have to take. And I chose to go to school far away from home, that was half the beauty of leaving for school. I just hope I make my family proud.

Events of the past few days because I'm too lazy to write a real post:

-I got my car back. Yay!!

-Chris and I are now officially dating. :)

-I have almost lost my voice and I can't sleep because I cough so much.

-I missed two days of school this week. Just because I can.

-I talked to Justin for a few minutes on the phone last night. That was neat.

-I bsed a poem for AP Lit that actually turned out somewhat good...how does that always happen?

-Ms. Jeffries told me I had poetic talent and that one of my poems had paradoxical influences to John Donne's "Death, be not proud." Very neat.

-I found out I will be the second one to take the oral final in AP Lit...not good.

-If I do well on the oral final, I will achieve a B in AP Lit for the first time this year. I hope I do well.

-I am 11 days away from graduating.

-This fact makes me sad.

-I still have to mail my graduation announcements.

For the first time in my life, I wrote something that my mom said needn't be changed. This is incredible.

I wrote a letter to my old friends and the church that I used to go to in North Carolina. I took it to my mom to read and she said it was excellent the way it was. I am extremely proud of myself.

Here's a copy of the letter if you're interested:

Dear Friends,

            It’s been five years now since my family and I moved to Louisville, KY. During the past five years, I’ve lost touch with many of you. I decided that my graduation from high school would be the opportune time to express my gratitude for the friendships and the guidance that you all have given me throughout my life.

            When I first moved to Pinetops, I had a hard time adjusting. I’m not sure if you all remember my first year there, and even now as I try to recall it, I find it hard to. I was seven years old at the time, in second grade. I befriended many of you, attended church with some of you, and was a neighbor to a few of you. Each of you went out of your way to help me feel comfortable. You made Pinetops my home, and each of you became like family to me.

            The six years I spent in Pinetops were possibly the best years of my life. I grew up, molded by each of the people who touched my life. When I found out I was moving again, I was devastated to be leaving the friends I had come to love. Leaving was difficult, I struggled to stay in touch with the majority of my friends, but it proved harder than I thought. The more I learned about a world outside of Pinetops, the more I began to appreciate the little town and the people who had cared for me during those six years.

            Now, as I am about to embark on yet another journey in my life, I will take with me memories of friends, lessons learned, and a deep appreciation for the people of Pinetops and it’s surrounding communities.

            Over the past four years I have been attending Ballard High School. Ballard, one of the many high schools in Louisville, contains nearly 1,800 students and faculty. While looking through an old yearbook from South Edgecombe Middle School, I realized that the number of students at SEMS was about the same size as my senior class. You can imagine how frightening it was for me to attend a school so large.

            During my sophomore year in high school I began to think about what I wanted to do with my life. As some of you may remember, as a child I was strongly against going into any profession closely related to my parents’. I suppose my childhood dreams have changed, as I am planning to major in Christian Education in college. I would like to become a youth minister.

            Inspired by my parents and the memories of people who I attended church with as a child, I began my search for a college that would fully envelope my desire to grow in faith and ministry. I slowly narrowed my search to a small, southern school, (preferably in North Carolina), with a strong religion program, and a Presbyterian foundation. My search ended upon the discovery of Presbyterian College, a small liberal arts college in Clinton, South Carolina. PC has perhaps one of the best Christian Education programs offered to college students. I am certain that PC is the college for me.

            When I first visited PC, I was reminded a lot of Pinetops. Although the two towns are much different, the people are friendly and welcoming, and there is a great sense of pride about their town. The familiarity was one of the things that drew me towards PC; I was attracted by it’s likeness to the town that I grew up in.

            I would like to end this letter by saying thank you. Thank you for the years of friendship and memories you gave me. Thank you for the guidance that you bestowed upon me. And thank you for giving me the gift of knowing each and every one of you.

You have touched my life in ways you cannot fathom, and you have each truly been a blessing to me. I think of each of you daily, and I pray for your safety and happiness.

May you continue to live in God’s grace,

                                                    Ami Owens

I’m

F

  A

      L

         L

            I

              N

                 G

into the

S

               P

            I

              R

            A

               L

that comes

when I’m

with

you.   

I hate drama. I really do. It's stupid, pointless, and did I say stupid? Nonetheless, I have to put up with it. Why? Because I have friends who are drama queens.

Ok, so I love Court do death. I really do. But really...is it her place to tell me who I should and shouldn't date? I understand she's my best friend and she feels the need to tell me when she thinks I'm making a mistake. But let me make my mistakes, don't try to shield me from them. I need a friend, not a bodyguard.

Chris is pissed off because Court doesn't like him even though she's never met him. She's judging him by his age and apperance. Which, let me add, if they bothered me, I wouldn't be dating him. So it's obviously not a problem for me, just Court. Which makes Chris even more upset.

I'm not mad at Court, I'm not. I'm just upset and hurt. I think I heard the words "you can do better" about 50 times last night. From Court alone. She is the ONLY person to tell me this as of yet. Everyone else thinks Chris and I are cute and fun.

I just don't understand it. Maybe I'm not meant to. I just want to end my last summer here in peace. No fights, no arguments, no drama. Is that too much to ask?

So I've been slacking off a lot lately. It seems like my life has been majorly hectic, between school, graduation, work, babysitting, and Chris, I have no me time. But it's ok. Because Chris time is me time too...with just a little extra. :)

For the first time in a long time I feel really good about myself. I feel accomplished, proud, and ready to be on my own.

James is on his way to fix my guitar. Kick ass....this rocks. More later.

The boy and I got in our first fight today. He was upset with me because I went out with Adrien, Dennis, and Laura to Westport, had a little to drink, and then went to Ballard. Apparently he was scared for my well-being, or he was afraid I'd do something stupid since I was "drunk." I wasn't drunk. We fought over text message, then I got to school and we fought face to face. It was vicious for about 5 minutes, then we made up.

Chris is the first guy I've ever been able to fight with and then make up with him a minute later. I think that freaking rocks. We really must be soul mates.

FamousAmos317: i have to bring money?
Wrinklyolman87: i guess
Wrinklyolman87: i need money cause im poor
Wrinklyolman87: if you have a graduation party ill give you some
FamousAmos317: then why don't we just not give eachother money at all
Wrinklyolman87: ...
FamousAmos317: since if i give you some and then you give me some you're just giving me my money back
Wrinklyolman87: right
Wrinklyolman87: but .. nevermind
FamousAmos317: there's ami logic for you
FamousAmos317: hahaha

Listening to Mitch Hedberg because he is hilarious. Only a true stoner can appreciate that kind of comedy. My computer is annoying me.

So the last couple of days have been very interesting. I graduated on Wednesday. I am now an alumn of Ballard High School. Amazing. I honestly didn't think that day would come. Atleast not when it did.

After graduation we had Project Graduation. Which is a program that started a few years ago...graduates are supposed to show up at this place where activities are planned from 10-5 that night. Once you're there you can't leave unless a parent signs you out. You win prizes and stay up all night. And it is supposed to keep you safe. What they don't realize is that we're not called the Crunk Class of '05 for nothing. I know that alteast half of those people went out and got trashed after leaving Project Graduation, at 5 in the morning. And if they didn't get trashed in the morning, they did the next night. Which is what I did.

Thursday night was interesting. Smoked up with Chris, Barrett and Brandon. Found out the ground was slanted and that I see in 3-D. Very interesting. Best line from Mitch Hedberg "I love the Fed-ex driver because he's always on time and he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it." Ok...I got sidetracked.

I had to take Chris home by 12 Thursday night, so afterward Barrett and I met up with Courtney. We heard about this hotel party that Tiffany was having so we decided to go. We showed up around 2. When we got there Mark was naked, Tiffany was drunk and tried to make out with me, the Russian guy was about to leave, and Darren was half asleep. We all crawled into two beds, tried to rent some porn, failed, and then decided to play ten fingers. Around 5 we asked a guard if we could get in the pool. He said it wasn't open yet but he'd let us in anyway.

If it's possible to be simultaneously regretful and fun at the same time, then that's how I'll describe what happened once we got in the pool. Tiffany, Court and I decided to swim while Barrett slept on a chair by the pool. Mark and the Russian swam too. Tiff was the only one with a bathing suit, so we all went in our underware. Somehow we ended up naked.

My first experience skinny dipping was fun, but I will probably never do it again. Atleast not when my boyfriend isn't there. Chris was mad at me for a while. He's still a little hurt that I would do something like that, but we're ok.

Right now I'm just trying to explain why I'm such an idiot. It's not that I mean to hurt him, I just do. I'm not good at this love stuff.

Friday I had to babysit. After I got off I went to Chris' house. That was fun. Ken came over and decided to sneak a peek at me and Chris. Chris' mom and brother came downstairs with Ken, so that was thoroughly embarrassing. His mom didn't care though, but as we were leaving the house, his brother Travis yelled out the door "Be sure to wear a rubber!" I may have turned about 8 shades of red after that.

This brings me to Saturday. Which is today. Right now I'm just pumped that I know the day AND the date. This is something that is completely incredible, seeing as how last night was the first time I've slept more than 4 hours in 3 days. Oh yeah.

This no sleep thing doesn't work for me though. I think it just makes things worse, because if I get too tired, I get slap happy, which means I do stupid things, which means I make Chris mad, which means I'm unhappy, which means I lose sleep. So this no sleeping thing doesn't work.

Man I love Mitch Hedberg.

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:

1. Ami

2. Amos

3. Amelia Elizabeth (if you're lucky)

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:

1. FamousAmos317

2. StPattysBaby317

3. heartbraker214

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:

1. my sense of humor

2. my dimples

3. my eyes

THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:

1. I have commitment issues

2. I have depression
3. I can't say I'm sorry.

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:

1. Scotch-Irish

2. Irish

3. Native American

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:

1. Spiders
2. being alone

3. uncertainty in life

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS (aside from food/drink/air/etc):

1. Chris

2. my bed

3. cell phone

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW/FAVORITE ARTICLES OF CLOTHING:

1. blue jean capris

2. dark pink tube top

3. white half sweater

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS/ARTISTS (at the moment):

1. The Used

2. Jimmy Eat World

3. Green Day

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:

1. "Untitled" Simple Plan

2. "Oh" Ciara

3. "Kill" Jimmy Eat World

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:

1. keeping my boyfriend as long as possible

2. meeting new friends

3. stop doing stupid things

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):

1. Trust

2. Openness

3. Commitment

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:

1. I can't wait for college to start

2. I have a wonderful boyfriend 

3. My cat thinks she's a dog.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:

1. Smile

2. eyes

3. body 

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:

1. Forgive my father
2. be completely comfortable in my skin

3. understand myself

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:

1. Singing
2. Writing

3. Playing guitar 

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:

1. Sleep

2. Have a bonfire

3. Be with Chris

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:

1. Youth Ministry
2. Religion Professor
3. Minister

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:

1. Jamaica

2. Montreat, NC

3. Anywhere with Chris

THREE KID'S NAMES:

1. Cody Jackson

2. Camden Graeme

3. Sadie Jacklyn

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:

1. Get married

2. Have atleast 3 kids

3. Watch my kids grow

THREE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW OR DIE PAINFULLY (or, ya'know...not):

1. Sarah

2. Oscar

3. Mildew

...yeah so I made up the last two people. So sue me.

Tonight was great. Had a very nice, long talk with my baby. I love him so much. I swear, he's perfect for me and too good for me. I don't deserve him. He's my soulmate. I'm sure of it.

You know that feeling you get when everything is right in your life? That's how I feel when I'm with Chris. It's amazing.

You Were Actually Born Under:

http://www.quizdiva.net/chinesehoroscopes/rabbit.gif">color="#000000">Delicate, timid, and attractive - sometimes you really do act like a bunny. You're very compassionate and protective of those you love, sometimes too protective. Your home is really your castle, and you make sure your home is comfortable and well furnished. You don't like to argue - and you prefer a quiet, peaceful life. You are most compatible with a Goat or a Pig.

You Should Have Been Born Under:

http://www.quizdiva.net/chinesehoroscopes/horse.gif">color="#000000"> You've got a ton of energy - and need plenty of room to roam. You tend to follow your whims, and it's hard for you to stick to one thing. Specific jobs, loves, and friends are always changing and never a part of your life for long. Very intuitive, you tend to know what people are thinking before they say a word. You are most compatible with a Dog or Tiger.

"Welcome to the church of me....You say its Jesus Christ. Well I feel like him. I feel one, two, three nails for me. Four through the heart. You walk the road to resurrection and I walk the road to dead." -Paula Cole

I've been in a writing mood lately. What to write about? What not to write about? Maybe I should just sit down with a pen and paper, in a nice secluded spot and go. Create a war with the paper, battling for space, biding my time until the words I want appear. One good thing about these moods is I feel accomplished even if I've only written a few words.

My writing moods are conjoined with my depressed moods. I write when I have no other outlet. I write when I don't know the words to say how I feel. I write to make it better. I write til I can write no more.

My journals are filled. Partially. I have diaries from my earlier days, I have journals that are covered from front to back, and I have journals with blank paper galore. I have the resources. Why don't I just go out and do it?

Simple. Because no one will read it. I write not only to feel release but to be heard. I am an open book. What I can't say I write down. For the millionth time in my life I have become dependent on an inanimate object that has no say in what is done with it. I sit in front of this monitor day after day, spilling my thoughts and emotions onto the keyboard because it is faster and I don't like my handwriting.

How can a person become so obsessed, so dependent, on something that can't talk back? Because it can't talk back. It can't list your flaws, it can't see through those plastic facades that you wear daily. It can't tell you if you're wrong or right. It is you. It becomes a part of you. Until you don't know where you end and it begins.

This is just a passing phase. It always passes. I wake up feeling fine. I go about my day declining in stature, until night comes and I'm afraid to open my eyes any longer. I fear the dark. I fear loneliness. I fear myself. I am my own true enemy. I hold the knife that slits my wrist. It is my choice to go through with it or not. My writing will not save me now. It is my temporary solution to a fleeting but returning problem.

I bought the works of Nietzche for some summer reading. I think it's about time I begin.

"What the hell am I doing falling in love with pain again and again and again?" -Paula Cole

Knee is aching. Badly. So badly that I must talk about it like a cave person. And go....yeah, I'm done.

Didn't see the boy tonight. It was sort of depressing, but I suppose I should get used to not seeing him right? I mean, I'm going out of town for a week soon, then I'll be in Jamaica for about 2 weeks in July. After that it's college. I guess I just got disappointed. I want to spend every second I can with him while I'm here.

It's funny. I feel so strongly for Chris yet I've known him for such a short amount of time. In the past month he has become my everything. He's my best friend, my boyfriend, my confidant, my love. I want him in every aspect of my life.

It scares me that I feel this way about him. I know it won't be easy come August. But if our love is as strong as we say and believe it is, then we will make it right? Our future involves a lot of time apart from one another. Last night we were talking about marriage and how we could both see us married in the future. Chris mentioned wanting to go into the Marines after school. Which would leave me, married and alone, with the risk of becoming a widow. It's depressing. I know it's odd for two teenagers to be talking so serious so soon, but with Chris, it's all what I'm thinking and what I want. Everything's on the table. He knows what's going on in my head at all times and I love that. I don't want to lose that.

There's this little quote framed in Chris' bathroom that says "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift which is why it's called the present." Everytime I'm in his bathroom I read that and it makes me smile. Chris is my present. He's my love, and while we don't know where tomorrow will lead us, I know that as long as it's today, he will be with me. And as God said in the beginning, "it was good."

Greg told me something last night that I felt was definitely worth quoting. Conversation went as follows:

Greg: Well Ami, be good, ok?

Me: I'll try.

Greg: And if you can't be good, then atleast be good at what you do.

Perhaps the connotations of that were a little skewed, but I thought it was a great quote. It's weird that I remembered it. I usually suck at remembering things people say.

I want to go play my guitar, sleep, and talk to my boy. Too bad I can only do one of those. Nighty-night!

The True You

You want your girlfriend or boyfriend to be more relaxed, calm, and composed.

With respect to money, you are a bit stingy.

You think good luck doesn't exist - reality is built on practicalities.

The hidden side of your personality tends to be a little selfish. You only do what interests you.

You have a tendency to overdo things, but basically you value your friendships highly.

When it comes to finding a romantic partner, you don't have any particular type in mind, but you are inclined to look for someone who will say yes when you ask him / her out.

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You Are A Realistic Romantic

You are more romantic than 70% of the population. It's easy for you to get swept away by romance... But you've done a pretty good job keeping perspective. You're still taken in by love poems and sunsets You just don't fall for every dreamy pick up line!

Your #1 Love Type: INFP

The Idealist In love, you crave a long term, harmonious relationship. For you, sex doesn't come quickly - it takes time for you to open up. Overall, you are supportive, nurturing, and expressive. However, you tend to be shy and protective of your personal space. Best matches: ENFJ and ESFJ

Part Expert Kisser

http://www.quizdiva.net/kindkisser/expert.jpg">> You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity          You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off          And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave          When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

Part Free Love Kisser

http://www.quizdiva.net/kindkisser/freelove.jpg">> Of all the kissing types, you've racked up the most experience          Kissing is no big deal to you - you'll kiss anyone you find hot!          It's easy for you to take the plunge and make the first move.          And you don't really consider kissing to be cheating!

Your Expression Number is 7

Very intelligent, you are usually thinking, introspecting, or analyzing. You have a good mind, and you are especially good at finding out the truth. Very little ever escapes your observation and deep understanding. You tend to obsess over wisdom and hidden truths. You are likely to become a authority on any subject you undertake. Operating on a different wavelength, most people don't know you that well. Very logical and rational, at times you tend to lack emotion. So much so, that you often have times coping with emotional situations. You are not very adaptable - you may tend to be overly critical at times.

Right now it's looking like I'm leaving for NC on Sunday, not tomorrow. Papa's in the hospital but what does LAC care, they need someone to cover their shift. So what if this may be the last time I see him, there are children who need to be dropped off by their image-obsessed parents. The establishment pisses me off.

My throat hurts. This is not good. I hate having sore throats. I think I'm in a complaining mood today.

Courtney and I hung out the other night. About mid-way into our chill session I realized I had no desire to hang out with her anymore. And I found myself wishing I'd stayed home. But then we watched Team America, which took my mind off of it. We decided to create a dance to "Montage" and we're going to make Team America shirts. Yes, we are losers.

Chris and I had a very pleasant night last night. Except he wasn't feeling to well the whole time. Poor baby. It's hard to explain how I felt last night...everything was so surreal. It was a good feeling. I'll just leave it at that.

Who am I?

...I am Ami Owens.

...I am a graduated senior.

...I am going to be attending PC in the fall.

...I am Chris' girlfriend.

...I am glad to be home.

...I am sick.

...I am full of thoughts and new ideas.

...I am a singer.

...I am a friend.

...I am a daughter.

...I am a sister.

...I am angry at my father.

...I am hurt by my grandfather.

...I am scarred.

...I am a Mama's girl.

...I am afraid.

...I am not brave.

...I am a facade.

...I am depressed.

...I am confused.

...I am lost.

...I am found.

...I am a follower of Christ.

...I am a Child of God.

...I am afraid of what I am inside.

...I am unsure of who I really am.

...I am fearful of the future.

...I am attempting to hold on to my childhood forever.

...I am not ready to grow up.

...I am who I am.

...I am me.

Who am I?

Step 1: Get your playlist together, put it on random, and play!
Step 2: Pick your favorite lines from the first 25 songs that play!
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song the lines come from!
Step 4: Cross out the songs when someone guesses correctly

There's no way I'm going to do 25 songs, but I'll do as many as I can in the time I've got.

1) Cause nothing hurts like nothing at all, when imagination takes full control.

2) My hair is like sea weed, slow motion of my hands. I'm feeling very tired so I lay down on your sands cause I'm dreaming. All these colored slivers make their way around, I'm a stranger in Atlantis but I move without sound...shhhhh.

3) E per l'amore che ho per te Che mi fa superare mille tempeste E per l'amore che ti do E per l'amore che vorrei Da questo mare E per la vita che non c'e Che mi fai naugraguare in fondo al cuore Tutto questo ti avra te e a sembera Tutto normale

4) There were times when I crying from the dark of Daniel's den and I had asked you once or twice if you would part the seas again. Tonight I do not need a firery pillar in the sky, I just need to know that you will hold me if I start to cry.

5) I guess this is how it feels when you finally found something real, my angel in the night, you are my love...

6) I can't run anymore, I give myself to you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. In all my bitterness, I ignored all that's real and true all I need is you. When night falls on me, I'll not close my eyes, I'm too alive and you're too strong. I can't lie anymore I fall down before you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

7) I fall asleep with my friends around me. Only place I know I feel safe. I'm gonna call this home.

8) I'm always assuming the worst but you're going on none the less and there's nothing to cushion your heart. Let fall. And letters from further away keep pulling me close to home.

9) Sometimes the journey makes you weary, feels like a long and winding road. Sometimes this life can lose it's meaning but you might be surprised to find some hope. Maybe you're wondering where love is, you may feel it's far away from here. Maybe you're wondering where I am, you might be surprised to find I'm near.

10) I'm thinking it's a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned. And I have to speculate that God himself did make us into corresponding shapes like puzzle pieces from the clay.

11) No sex, no drugs, no wine, no women, no fun, no sin, no you, no wonder it's dark. Everyone around me is a total stranger.

12) This beat is automatic, supersonic, hypnotic, funky fresh.

13) Coming out of my cage and I've been doing just fine. Gotta gotta be down because I want it all. Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this? It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss.

14) For what it's worth it was worth all the while. It's something unpredictable but in the end it's right.

15) I must be strong and carry on because I know I don't belong here in Heaven.

16) I'm just a bad actor stuck with a shitty script all of my lines are cheap and the cast is weak. There was no music for the first time I got kissed. There was no femme fatale, my mistress wasn't rich. So I've been formatted to fit your TV screen. The film went straight to tape I'll bow out quietly. So quietly. So quietly. Please do this now I beg, duct tape my arms and legs, throw me into the sea. Please save me, please save me.

17) How many times did I have to hear you say to me self-obsessed artist, center of your universe? I believed your every word. I believed you were my God.

18) Remember when you broke your foot from jumping out the second floor?

19) So kiss me and smile for me. Tell me that you'll wait for me. Hold me like you'll never let me go.

20) This is the first thing I remember. Now it's the last thing left on my mind. Afraid of the dark you hear me whisper.

21)  Now in heaven would be a DJ spinning dub all night long. And Heaven would be just kicking back with Jesus packing my bong. And if you don't believe in Jesus, then Mohammed and Buddha too. And while the world is warring we'll just sit back and laugh at you.

22) She's not the one. Take notice hear me out. I want her, need her and you always will pull me through.

23) You think you've seen the sun but you ain't seen it shine. Wait til the warm-ups under way, wait til our lips have met. Wait til you see that sunshine babe. You ain't seen nothing yet.

24) So long sweet summer. (So long sweet summer) I stumbled upon you and gratefully basked in your rays. So long sweet slumber. (So long sweet slumber)

25) Love would be easy if your colors were like my dreams. Red, gold and green.

Ok, so I lied. Have fun!

I decided it was time for a change. Hence the new layout. One thing I love about mindsay, I can personalize everything...it's all me. No one else will ever have a page that looks like mine. Unless of course they copy it, but that would be stealing. So don't do that.

Today is sort of a dull day. I want to go back to bed but I can't. I've got 2 hours before I have to be into work. I can sleep for an hour and then shower, or I can shower now and just be lazy for an hour. I like the latter.

Last night with Chris was amazing. I've never felt so close to someone as I do with him. I can tell him anything and everything, although I don't always want to. If this is what love is then I never want to be out of love. The perfect song just came on to help illustrate how I feel. It's in italian, but if you ever get the chance to hear it...wow. Brace yourself.

Oceano by Josh Groban

Piove sull'oceano, piove sull'oceano
Piove sulla mia identità
Lampi sull'oceano, lampi sull'oceano
Squarci di luminosità...ah

Forse qua in America i venti del pacifico
Scoprono le sue immensità
Le mie mani stringono sogni lontanissimi
E il mio pensiero corre da te

Remo, tremo, sento
Profondi e oscuri abissi

È per l'amore che ti do
È per l'amore che non sai
Che mi fai naufragare e
È per l'amore che non ho
È per l'amore che vorrei
È per questo dolore
Questo amore che ho per te
Che mi fa superar queste vere tempeste

Onde sull'oceano, onde sull'oceano
Che dolcemente si placherà
Le mie mani stringono sogni lontanissimi
E il tuo respiro soffia su me

Remo, tremo, sento
Vento in fordo al cuore

È per l'amore che ho per te
Che mi fa superare mille tempeste
È per l'amore che ti do
È per l'amore che vorrei
Da questo mare
È per la vita che non c'è
Che mi fai naufragare in fondo al cuore
Tutto questo ti avrà e a te sembrerà
Tutto normale

(translation)

It rains on the Ocean
It rains on the Ocean
It rains on my identity
Lights on the Ocean
Lights on the Ocean
Gaps of luminosity
Maybe there in America
the winds of the Pacific
Uncover its immensity
My hands hold tight
some faraway dreams
And my thoughts run to you
I row, I shake, I feel
Deep dark abyss
It's for the love I give you
and for the love you don't know
that makes me wreck
It's for the love I don't have
and for the love I'd want
It's for this pain
It's for this love I have for you
That makes me get over those real storms
Waves on the Ocean
Waves on the Ocean
that will gently calm down
My hands hold tight
some faraway dreams
and your breath blows on me
I row, I shake, I feel
A wind around my heart
It's for the love I have for you
That makes me get over thousands of storms
It's for the love I give you
and for the love I'd want
from this sea
It's for the life that isn't there
that makes me wreck
deep in my heart
All this will have you
and to you everything will seem normal

I house-sat for my mom's boss this past week which is why I haven't posted lately. It was a fun experience. Except for Friday night.

Ken and Chris came over while I was babysitting then went back to the house with me. It was around 1 when we got there. We settled down to watch a movie and I started having a panic attack. At first I figured it wouldn't be too bad so I didn't worry about it and didn't say anything. But then my body tensed up, I couldn't move, couldn't breath, and couldn't speak. After a while Ken and Chris decided they should take me to the ER. We got there, I popped some pills, I zoned out...I was good. Mom came and stayed with me at Betty's the rest of the night.

It was a nice week though. No complaints. I think tonight was my overall favorite part of the week though. :)

Shower time!!

Is it sad that I'm excited about bathing?

Chris' mom and I talked on the phone last night. Chris was sitting right next to me so it wasn't like she called to talk to me, she just knew I was there and wanted to say hello. She told me she'd like to swap numbers with me so that if I ever need to talk to her about anything I can call her, or vice versa. Which I think is really sweet. She also told me she needed to talk to me about something, which worries me. But she promised it wasn't bad. So who knows.

I'm quitting my job. Go me!

Today has been one of mixed emotions. First off let me say that I don't think a phone call has ever made me as happy as the one I got last night. Chris called me after the show he went to just to say hey and all that jazz...I was half asleep so I didn't talk much and we ended up getting off the phone in 5 minutes. But after I hung up and layed back down in bed, I got this giddy feeling inside and I smiled until it hurt. It was just so...exciting to talk to him.

Back to today. Saturday will be my last day of work. I'm happy, but sad at the same time. I've been at LAC for 2 1/2 years. I've watched those kids grow. I've made bonds. And I won't get to see any of them again. With the exception of the ones I babysit.

This morning I had a 7:00 dentist appointment. I found out that I really should floss more. Gross.

After the dentist I galavanted my way over to the doctor where I had my first pap smear. Talk about uncomfortable. I now have about 6 slips of paper for prescriptions (none of which are related to the pap might I add). I was at the doctor for a total of two hours. It was something else.

I came home, dozed a little on the couch, somehow got up and moved to my bed, but I don't really remember doing that. Christopher texted me at 4 to tell me he just woke up. Sometimes I wonder about that boy.

Now...to the part of my day that gives me mixed feelings. My ex-boyfriend emailed me back, after a very harsh email from me. I didn't think he'd have the balls to write me back, but he did. The thing is, he tried to make me feel bad about myself for being innocent. And for being younger than him. How did he do this? By repetitively referring to me as "little girl" and "pure" and "good". What an idiot.

What cut the deepest was his comment about how he never should have dated me. I agree with this 100%. I wish I had never dated him. But at the same time...if both of us are sitting here saying that relationship meant nothing, then why did we stay in it so long? He was the one who told me he loved me. He's the one that said he never wanted to lose me. Was it all just a facade?

Honestly, I don't know how I should feel about that email. All I know is I'm with someone that I love more than anything in the world, and Caleb is no longer a part of my life. Which is relieving.

Today is July 1st. In 6 days I will be in the car on my way to Atlanta, GA. I will catch a couple Braves games, then hop on a plane and fly to Jamaica with a group of 10 people, 6 of which I have never met. My dad and brother will accompany me.

It's a flipping trip to Jamaica. Yes we'll be doing mission work, but still...it's Jamaica. So why don't I want to go? The closer it gets to take off time the more I want to just stay home.

Chris will start band camp before I leave, so atleast he'll have something to occupy his time. I won't be able to use my phone. Two weeks of not talking to my baby. I hope it goes by fast. For both our sakes.

I felt for sure last night
That once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
I'm still driving away
And I'm sorry every day
I won't always love these selfish things
I won't always live...
Not stopping...

It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

Amazing still it seems
I'll be 23
I won't always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regrets

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine...

Just for the record I did NOT fall asleep at Chris' last night. I was merely exercising my right to close my eyes and not respond to anything.

Thank you.

I need to shower. Badly.

I really need to shower.

I don't want to shower.

But I need to.

I've been wearing the same outfit for two days now.

In the words of Christopher "Gaahrrrooooosssssss!"

"When you say Ami you've said it all."

"Ami, pure lust."

"The best Ami in the world."

"Think diffrent, think Ami."

"Ami, good."

"I fall for Ami."

"Don't get in the way of Ami."

....and my favorite...

"Ami - Yabba Dabba Duh!"

I don't know how to do links but these are all from sloganizer.net

I'm leaving for Jamaica tomorrow morning bright and early. Actually we're leaving for Atlanta where we will first catch a few Braves games (yay!!) and then we'll meet up with Jeff and his church to get on the plane for Jamaica!

Is it bad that I'm only semi-excited about this?

Hello everyone! I am back in town and back in business. I have three weeks left of summer before I leave for college...how scary is that? Camp Cedar Ridge called me to see if I could work the last three weeks that I'm in town...I'm working the last one, but I told them I'd get back to them about the other two. I don't want to not be able to see Chris for another three weeks. That's just not cool. I'm so glad I'm home...Jamaica was fun but I got so homesick. And I never get homesick.

Sarah...I got a clock for our dorm room! I hope you like it!

We're in Belk Hall!! I kind of wanted to be in Smithe, just because there are two enormous rooms...but I suppose God had other plans. So we're in Belk.

Belk Hall 227 to be exact. Sort of exciting...sort of scary. In three weeks I'll be on my own.

Sarah I think I'm going to call you tonight to figure out who's bringing what for our room (frig, microwave, tv, phone, etc.). I only have you house number though because my phone deleted all my numbers, so stay at home!!! lol.

I'm over at Chris' house watching Seabiscuit and all I can think about is how terrified I am of school starting. The closer August 15 comes, the less I don't want to leave.

As I was lying next to Chris I realized that I only have three weeks left to spend with him. It doesn't help that we've both been moody lately; me because of not feeling well and being scared about school and Chris because of band wearing him out.

It's taking all the strength I have not to cry in front of him whenever I start thinking about how come August I won't be able to see him every day. In fact I probably won't see him for months at a time.

Another thing that's been eating away at me is the fact that most long-distance relationships don't work out. People change, they move on....and I'm the queen of messing up relationships. I see disaster written all over this. It's not that I want to break up with him...I want nothing more than to stay with him forever. I'm just scared to death that something will happen, one of us will do something we'll regret, we'll fight, we'll get tired of not seeing eachother. I realize that this is a risk that I'm going to have to take...but I don't want to take it.

I want to stay home. I'm too scared of going away to school. I wish I could tell Chris all of this...but we don't talk about it. School is just this cloud in the distance that keeps getting closer, we pretend to ignore it but we both know it's there. I don't want to be the one that brings the rain.

I got a new computer!! It's awesome...I'm proud. And I got my belly button pierced. Super cool.

Now if only I could make my belly button stop hurting and figure out how everything works on my new comp I'd be set.

Today sucks monkeys. On one hand, I had a wonderful voice lesson. I only screwed up one song, and Frank informed me that I did much better than he expected. Thanks for believing in me Frank.

On the other hand, I didn't wake up in time for church, which meant Mom was pissed. I was five minutes late to voice lessons, which meant Mom was even more pissed. I came home. Pissed off Mom decided to tell me that I was grounded for the day. I can't leave the house. I can't make any plans. It would be in my best interest to clean my room today. Yeah. Right. Then even more pissed off Mom informs me that I will not have my car first semester of college.

WHAT???

I would understand this if I was going to a school maybe 2-3 hours away. But I'm not. PC is almost 9 hours from here. I mean, if they don't want to see me again all they have to do is say so. It's not bad enough that I'm leaving behind my family, friends and boyfriend, but now I have no way to get back if I want to.

I think this is by far the most ridiculous, pointless thing my parents have ever done. I can't believe them.

And I can't even get in my car and drive to vent off!! ARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm really starting to wish I had decided to go to a college closer to home. I'm tired of fighting with my parents, I'm scared of losing the one thing in my life that I love most, and I'm not ready to grow up.

This is one of those surreal moments when I wish someone would come and wake me up from this nightmare I'm living.

Ok, so on my way home I started thinking. Don't ask. Here's what I came up with: sex gives you endorphines. Endorphines, at times, make you want to have sex. You have sex, then you get more endorphines, which makes you want to have more sex. It's one eternal cycle.

I'm in a good mood tonight. I suppose you could say I'm high on endorphines. :)

I've become a complete slacker towards mindsay. My apologies.

How to you explain the indescribable? Ballard's about to get out of school. 7 minutes until the bell rings. Chris is in Mrs. Morris' Advanced US Government class right now. Probably talking about Brittish history and the colonization of America. I miss him. This hurts more than I ever thought it would. But it's a hurt I'm willing to deal with. Who said love didn't hurt?

I wrote Chris' mom an email today. I promised her I would and so I did. Now I'm waiting for Chris to call. It's been 45 minutes and still no phone call. I seriously thought he just had to eat.

This is the part I hate about being so far away. I can't just drive over to his house and help him with his homework. I can't pick him up after band. I can't listen to him practice drumming. I can't sit with him while he eats dinner. I just have to sit here and wait for a phone call. I hate waiting.

I survived my first day of classes. I actually had fun. And I'm actually looking forward to going back to class tomorrow. Yeah, that's right, it's 12:45 and I'm done for today. And I didn't mess up my head. I actually like school. And not because I have friends in any of my classes, because I don't have many if any at all in most of them.

I'm a little on the homesick side. I need to get some letters written tonight. I've been saying that for the past 3 days, so hopefully they'll get done by Saturday. I should probably start working on my homework. That'll be fun. Actually...I'm sort of excited about that too. Wow...I sound like a dork. This is scary.

I thought this was quite possibly the sweetest thing Travis has ever said to me. I love Chris' family!!

CARLOVER6754321: i wish u and chris will get maried

FamousAmos317: you and me both

FamousAmos317: lol

FamousAmos317: why do you wish that?

CARLOVER6754321: cus ur really nice and chris really loves loves u and u aned chris r made for each other

FamousAmos317: aww....well i would love nothing more than to be your sister in law

I love you Chris!!

Well Sarah's home for the weekend and I have to room to myself. It's kind of nice...I can walk around naked if I feel like it. That's always good.

Three guys just came to my door asking me to come to the soccer game tomorrow and to see if I wanted to be the ballgirl. They said they'd pay $15 and I'd get a t-shirt. I was like...sure, I'll do it. But I don't think they'd really want me to do it. So I guess I'll just go to the game and see what happens. It's something to do atleast.

Beanie weenies.....yummmmm. I'm in a state of pure bliss right now.

I have yet to walk around the room naked. I think I'll take care of that tomorrow night.

I'm so freaking tired. Gr....I hate this.

"The end is extremely fucking nigh."

Last night that line was hilarious to me. Now it's sums up my entire being. Fuck all of this.

Ahh....rough day. I overslept and missed the majority of my classes. The rest I missed because I felt like shit and just refused to get out of bed. My phone messed up so I didn't realize Mom and Granny were here until an hour after they arrived. I spent the afternoon with them. Some of the conversations we had were a little too truthful and hurt a little more than they should have, but other than that I was glad to see them. We went back to their hotel room and watched The Grudge. Bad idea. Even though I think that movie is ridiculous, it still bothers me. Now I'm just ready to sleep. Sarah's galavanting around. No problem there. I just really don't feel well. I think I'm going to wait until my Tylenol kicks in and then crash. 5, 4, 3, 2,.....

I have to remember to listen to 97.1 FM on Wednesday nights. That's when Drew has his radio show. So I must listen because he has really good taste in music.

Tonight was interesting. Got drunk, went to Drew's, said some things I probably shouldn't have, passed out on the couch, woke up, came back to our dorm, and had Sarah try to undress me. Now I'm just waiting for her to give me some Benedryl so I can pass out for the next 13 hours or so. Nice.

I've never been more miserable in my entire life.

Sleeping alone tonight. I can't take this anymore.

Today's his birthday. Happy birthday. Wish I was there.

It's moments like this that make me wonder why I'm here instead of there? I left the love of my life hundreds of miles away. Just for a good time.

Dennis gave me hope. He's proposing to Laura within the next year. He won't see her for 3 months at a time. They're able to stay strong though. I thought that we would be able to do that too. But he won't hear it.

Oh Sarah...I have been home almost all day today and have yet to see your beautiful, smiling face. Where are you??

I'm sick and I'm eating Lucky Charms...it's wonderful.

I think Justin and Ben are coming up this weekend. Rock out!

Went to the therapist today. Wasn't too shabby. She said that my mom called worrying about me possibly overdosing on ativan. I thought to myself Now that's odd, because that's not something Mom would do. She'd just call and talk to me. But I didn't say anything. I called my mommy, and sure enough, she didn't call. So the therapist had me mixed up with some other girl. Silly therapist.

Gahh....being sick sucks monkeys. I think it's bedtime. Funny...I've only been awake for about 7 hours today total. Atleast I'm sleeping. Sort of...doctor on Friday. Maybe I'll figure something out by then.

My life makes absolutely no sense anymore.

How could you do this to me God? Is this a test? Am I failing? Everything I wanted to do in order to bring myself closer to you I can't do now. Why God?? WHY??

Talking to Jenny always makes me feel better. And to know that she's not mad at me lifts a huge load off of my shoulders. I fully expected to never talk to her again. But she reassured me, saying that my picture is still sitting by Myrtle the Turtle, just where I left it. We really are a lot alike, Jenny and me. It helps me to know that she still cares. That's one more person in this world that I can depend on. I really need to go take a nap. I'm exhausted. But I may stay up a little while longer, then sleep for a long time tonight. Maybe that'll make me feel better tomorrow. I sure hope something does.

I'm out of ativan. Well...I still have some but it's currently in Dr. Taylor's office. I probably should have taken some extra with me after our last meeting.

What I need right now is for someone to come snuggle up with me in bed and just rub my hair while I fall asleep. That's what Mom would do if she where here. I need a mom. Or just a really good friend.

I feel so deserted lately. By everyone. It's like I've dug myself into this hole and no one can get to me so they just all stop trying.

Talking to Jenny made me realize that I'm not completely alone. But I still feel lost.

All day I've been feeling panicky. Well, since I woke up, which was around 5. I can't shake this feeling. And I can't take anything to get rid of it. I took the last of my ativan last night. So if I have a panic attack...well...I'm praying I don't. Everyone on the hall has gone home for the weekend. I hate the fact that I can't go home. I can't even go visit my grandma or cousin. Even just going  to see them occassionally would help. But I can't. I can't escape the loneliness. It surrounds me. It consumes me. It is me.

I'm so sick of this meager existence. I wanted this past summer to be spent partying with my friends and figuring out exactly what I want out of the rest of my life. Do I regret the fact that I didn't do that? No, not one bit. But I wish I had spent a little more time focusing on me. Because now I have no idea who I am or what I want. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted, but now I'm just not sure.

I'm sick of questioning everything. I'm tired of everything being so hard. Yes, I know, that's life. But things would just be so much easier if I had a family to go see on the weekends or a friend from home to call when I'm feeling down. Or maybe even if I had that reassurance that someone loves me...because right now I don't think anyone does.

Don't reply to this saying "oh Ami, I love you!" because this isn't a pity me post. I know people love me. But that's not the type of love I'm talking about. The type of love I'm talking about is the type that I thought I had...the type that I lost.

So now I'm faced with yet another question. Was that really love? I know that it was love...but was it the type of love that you give away everything for and once it's gone you're never the same? That I can't answer. Because at one time I thought the answer was yes...but now I'm not so sure.

Everyone here that I would run to for help right now has either gone home or avoiding me. There are people here that I adore more than anything and truly admire their opinions, but because of some stupid decisions and non-humble statements, I can never look at them the same.

THAT is why I need a new beginning.

THAT is why I need to figure out what exactly I want.

THAT is why I need to get my life straightened out.

THAT is why I need to find God again.

I'm so lost right now. Oh God, why have you forsaken me??

Life just fucking sucks sometimes....

That's all I have to say.

Talking to Gray tonight helped. Atleast it helped until Dad called. Dad thinks this whole notion of coming home is me giving up. I can't seem to make him understand that I'm not giving up, I just want some time to figure things out. What I need to figure out is my business and mine alone. I don't even know how to voice it. And I'm tired of everyone asking about it.

I just need me time. I need time to heal, rejuvinate, and relax. I jumped into this college thing too quickly. I came before I was ready and I left with projects unfinished. I know that if I were to leave I would come back in the spring. I have no doubts about that. I just want to know that I'm on the right path, and right now I'm not so sure I am.

Like Gray said, I wish there was a way to fix things by just snapping my fingers, but there's not. Is it so bad that I don't know what I want right now??

Blank screen and no words. How come when I lay down all these thoughts run through my head but once I go to write them down they scramble??

I feel like there's a 20 pound weight on my chest. This would be a good time to take an ativan, if I had one on me.

There's just too much on my mind for me to rest right now. But I desperately need sleep.

God, I can't do this anymore. I want so much to be close to you once again but everytime I feel like I start to try to regain that relationship, something blocks my way. I just want to be able to breath again. Physically and spiritually. God help me. I'm asking, begging,  praying. Grant me the serenity to make it through the night and I will try my hardest to be all that you want me to be. Please God, just do me this.

I'm not sure what it is about night...but for some reason everytime night comes around I start to feel like I'm going to have a massive panic attack. For once, I wish I could just have one. I just want to get it over with.

I talked with David Lindsey today. It was nice. It's funny, everytime I talk with him I say something that strikes me as extremely insightful and fresh. And every time I make a comment like that, he looks at me and says, "Wow, that's a wonderful way to put it."

Like today. I told him that I want to figure out what's going on with me because I just want to get back to me. "I just want to get back to me." He kept repeating that statement. It seemed almost as if he were working through a sermon in his head. It was kind of neat.

One of these days, I want to try and write a sermon. Just because I can. I want to write one, and give it to David, and see what he thinks. I guess I just want to know that there is power with my words and faith. Hmm...yeah. I want to write a sermon.

Maybe I'll call it "Getting back to me."

Yeah...

I had this dream last night/this morning that my dad was in charge of the fireworks for Thunder over Louisville this year. Thunder is one of the most exciting things that happens in Louisville. Possibly one of the best firework displays in the country, people come from all over to see it each year.

And this year, my dad was in charge. And he didn't buy fireworks til the day of.

Keep in mind that this was a dream.

So we ran all around Disney World searching for fireworks. Each store we'd go in would have walls covered with them, but none of them were good enough for Dad. So we would trek onto the next store, again and again.

Finally, Dad found one box that he liked. When lit, the fireworks would shoot into the sky and show a dramatic love scene from The Lion King. It's funny...because that's the movie that my dad and I both cried in when it came out.

Anyway, so I'm stressing completely about the fact that we have only one box of fireworks. Thunder is supposed to last for 30 minutes atleast! I run to go find my mom and start crying to her. We call my dad and try to find him, turns out he'd been taking a nap on a big couch in someone's basement because he drank really strong Coke.

There's not really a conclusion to my dream, other than everyone showing up and my dad handing the people who set off the fireworks a bag of useless fireworks. Everyone was dissappointed. And in the background...Michael W. Smith was singing about God.

I had another dream too, but it wasn't nearly as odd as this one. It had to do with flooding and Jamaican's stuck in the US. In the end the Jamaican government forced all Jamaican's in the US to return to Jamaica, even if they didn't have a home there. It was sort of sad...I think I may have shed a few tears on my sleep. I have odd dreams....the fact that I remember these two is remarkable. I'd really like to know what the first one means though.

I woke up about 20 minutes ago and I'm seriously debating going back to sleep. Only reason I woke up is because Chase came in.

Sarah....where are you?? I haven't seen you since last night and then you disappeared. I'm saddened because I can't see your beautiful face. Please come back to me.

So my phone rang this afternoon. It was a number I didn't recognize. I answered and it was this guy Ben who's my friend Dennis' roommate. He said he just needed someone to talk to. We've been on the phone since 5:30. It's nearly 9.

The fact that I've been on the phone for this long amazes me. And that I've enjoyed it.

Ben's in the navy, which is kind of neat.

We decided that me, Ben, and Dennis are going to go to New York together sometime. I love empty plans. Because even though you know it won't happen, it still gives you something to look forward to.

I have to be in class in 8 minutes.

I could really care less right now.

I want to get back in bed.

Too bad I already used the majority of my absences.

Damn my luck.

Complaining is so overrated. I mean really...if you have a problem with something, don't go complaining about it to everyone else. Just confront it.

People who are afraid of confrontation just bother me. It's like they have no spine. Our whole lives are spent dealing with confrontations, not avoiding them. So why put it off?

I'm taking things into my own hands now. Working out situations the way I think they should be worked out. I'm tired of all this two-facing, double-crossing bullshit.

And no, this is not directed at anyone in particular so don't get your hopes up.

I'm sick yet again. Except this time I'm losing my voice, my throat is killing me, and my head is about to split.

I just found out from Chris' mom that he wants nothing more to do with me. He won't talk to me because he doesn't want to get into any more pointless fights. And it's now completely over. Like I didn't already know this. It just hurts that he doesn't even want to be friends. I gave him so much...that part of me is gone now.

I'm really hungry but the idea of swallowing food just hurts. I just took three Ibuprofen....ouch.

Maybe it's best if I just go back to bed.

Hopefully one day soon things will start to look up.

From now on, I need to learn to expect the unexpected...and figure out how in the hell do deal with it.

Tonight was a shocker. But then again...I sort of knew that it would happen eventually.

Wow...I don't know what to say.

Ask me about it in the morning and then maybe I'll have a decent response.

I think it's really depressing and questionable that I had a deep desire to meet and possible get the phone number of the guy(?) who played Dr. Frank N Furter last night.

I'm in such a terrible mood.

It's times like these when I really hate being alone.

But I'm glad there's no one here.

I hate stupid habits and practices. Thank God I haven't given in to any of them yet.

This is pathetic.

I'd say I'd go sleep it off...but I've already proven to myself that it's impossible.

I want to hate him so bad. And in a way I do...but not enough to make it matter.

I learned something new in Old Testament today. I learned that the Canaanites during the time period of the Old Testament were polytheistic. And the way they practiced their religion was by going to Priests and Priestesses and engaging in sexual activities.

I love different religions. They're so interesting. I can't wait to take a World Religions class. It'll be such a thrill.

Apparently I'm a slut now. Thanks WB. You're cool. I could say a lot about you too, but I won't.

One way NOT to win a girl's affection...call her a derogitory name.

Spent the evening with my new friend Tyler. Also Ben and Chase. Watched Rocky Horror...again. I swear, I'm obsessed. Found a new love in music...The Rocket Summer. Amazing.

And now for the big news. I'm going home in 12 hours!!!!! I'm so pumped. You have no idea. I miss my brother so much, I can't wait to see him.

Tonight is proof that things have changed. I'm just better off in SC.

I was in the wrong place at the wrong time tonight.

Atleast I have stories to tell now.

Yay....more stories.

This song completely details the relationships I have with my friends. It is our song. Mine, Barrett's, Court's, Jason's, Greg's, all of us. It's all ours. It is us. It's our story. And I love it.

For about four years I’ve hated this town
Yeah, so much I just wanna get out
Since graduation was long ago
Please somebody get me out of this hole
Cause I don’t want to get stuck in here
When I am thirty-four just talkin' 'bout high school years
No I don’t wanna be there, and feel so stuck right here
Back and forth, side to side, oh my dear

My foot to the floor I will drive to the place
Where I can kick it with friends through the night
A place we'll talk about now and the past what the future holds
Hanging out with not much to do
Just aimless with each other - is what we do

Cause this ain’t where it’s at
My friends will second that
And I gotta admit sometimes it’s pretty sad
But it's like were our own brat pack
We're always kickin back nobody can take that
And that is that it’s like its all we have

Whoa! Whoa!

Come on say "Oh! Oh! Get on the floor!
Dance 'till you got no more!"
I know its there somewhere
Don’t worry I'll be there to rock the party all night
To rock it 'til there's light our fists in the air
Fightin' the good fight
Cause' we were singing along to Peter Gabriel's "sledgehammer" song
You know it’s clear that tonight we belong in this place
So I step back to reflect in this town I hate
And at least just for a second I think I might stay

This ain’t where it’s at
My friends will second that
And I gotta admit sometimes it’s pretty sad
But it's like were our own brat pack
We're always kickin back nobody can take that
And that is that

So I'll run away to the hopes that I have
But still I fall asleep in the arms of my past
And when I wake so helpless and thinking of that
I just lay back down

Again, everyday

So maybe later today I'll know
What I will do with my life as I know it
Maybe for now I'll drive back to that place where I belong
And hope to God it hasn’t changed

This ain’t where it’s at
My friends will second that
And I gotta admit sometimes it’s pretty sad
But it's like were our own brat pack were always kickin back
Nobody can take that no no no

This ain’t where it’s at
My friends will second that
And I gotta admit sometimes it’s pretty sad
But it's like were our own brat pack were always kickin back
Nobody can take that
That is that it’s like its all we have

Wes just left. I hate that he lives in Louisville. I want him to move to SC. He's wonderful...a complete gentleman.

He took me out to lunch, opened all the doors for me, even the car door. He paid for my meal. We had a wonderful conversation. He's just....amazing.

Just my luck I would meet such a fantastic guy while I'm off at school. Man...do I have bad luck or what?

Do you still read this? Do you even care anymore? I was yours for a summer and you let me go forever. You said we'd still be friends but now there's never a word between us. I'll admit that I still check your away messages, read your myspace, and look at your journal occassionally. I miss you. "Us" is now a cold memory...I don't want you to be one too. You were my best friend. What happened to that?

What happened to me?

"Let there be no doubt about it. You are dancing in my crossfire." - The Bens

I'm in a super good mood. I love warm weather.

I'm a dumb fuck. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

Ahhhh!

Hopefully I'm almost done with all of my Christmas shopping. And I didn't even have to leave my room!!

I spent all afternoon surfing Amazon.com to find the perfect gifts for my family and friends. After that I decided to take some "me" time and make decorations for our door. We're going to have the most creative door on the hall! Maybe not, but it will be cute.

My hands hurt from cutting up so much paper. My fingers are all sticky from using so much glue. And my back hurts from sitting on the floor so long. But it's so worth it. I can't wait to get it all up and show Patrick!

Sarah and I redid our room today. It looks so great! After everything gets cleaned up I have a feeling it'll look a little empty though.

Anyone want to give us a futon for Christmas?? :)

Cramps suck monkeys. I'm so miserable right now. Ehh....it hurts.

Probably one of the most random things I've said all night:

"Man, I'm going to be pissing like crazy tonight!"

I've got issues.

It's my baby!! haha...I need sleep.

I LOVE LOUISVILLE!!!!!!!

Right after I give him a huge hug and let him know exactly how much I've missed him.

I love you Patrick!

Happy flippin' New Year kiddos!!

Be safe, be smart, and be happy.

Trying to decide if I should make a crazy-ass, completely emo post or just finish unpacking then lay in bed and wallow in my misery.

I think the second option won.

I've come to the conclusion that I need a life. Because mine is pathetic. Bleh...

I'm in a rocky mood. Rocky Horror Picture Show to be more exact.

Had a panic attack today. Panic attack = fun

I guess I should start making my way over to class. Taking Basic 2-D Design this year. It should be nice and boring. Or maybe it'll prove me wrong.

Cross your fingers folks and make way for the Queen!! (Dr. Frank N. Furter for the Rocky Horror illiterate)

I don't ever use this thing anymore. I don't even know why I have it.

School is school and that's all I have to say about that.

I miss Patrick like crazy and I want to be with him. That's all I'm going to say about that.

I now have a room to myself. That's all I'm allowing myself to say about that.

Things have been interesting lately, to say the least. Eh...atleast I haven't been bored shitless.

every day i think i get a little more tired, a little more fed up, and i little more ready to die.

this world is a graveyard for ideas and a future, my money's just going to waste

i could stand on a street corner and learn the same things

that i pay thousands of dollars to hear in a classroom

life should be about going out, having fun, living it up, and making music.

simple as that.

live, rejoice, laugh, cry, love, die.

that's how it should be.

i'm just a beat living in a modern world. come on spaceship, take me back to my time.

I am exhaustingly, overwhelmingly, and unconventionally bored. It's not right. When I'm reduced to checking the same web pages 20 times in 4 hours, signing onto AIM express and talking to people I barely know, and looking forward to the phone ringing...it's really not right.

One good thing about having a job where I get to sit behind a desk...I can take my shoes off. Hmm....

The parental units are coming to pick me up tomorrow so I can go to David's funeral.

Some sympathies have come my way so far. I find it a tad frustrating when I try to exlpain to people how he died. For some reason sorrow doesn't overcome a snicker when you hear about a tragic death caused by a potato gun.

This sure is one for the books though. It's not every day your uncle goes outside and gets blown up by a potato gun. And it's certainly not everyday that 10 minutes after it happens your cousin calls to reconsile whatever differences have come between you in light of everything that's happened.

Life has taken an abnormal twist. I'm not sure I like where it's headed.

I'M NOT HAVING A GOOD FUCKING WEEKEND AND IT'S ONLY FRIDAY!

Feel like commenting?

Do it and I'll cut off your balls. Don't have balls? I'll slit your tits.

That's right. I said it.

What now?

Don't fuck with someone who's morbidly insane.

Does anyone find it odd that I'm not in a good mood yet again? I sure as hell don't.

I need to get out of this hell hole.

Wishes have been granted and I'm headed back to Louisville this weekend. Not coming back to PC except to visit.

If I could do things different, I wouldn't. I'd only find a way to make Louisville closer to here.

But you can't have everything you want all the time.

I'm going to miss Patrick and everyone else like hell.

Misery has slowly become my best friend.

Dammit...and I thought that was Patrick.

I've decided that I have no life.

But of course, you already knew that.

my heart is lying broken on the floor, the pieces scattered about like a puzzle that doesn't fit.

how could you do this to me? after all of this?

i can't breath....i'm choking in my tears.

I am whole. I am complete. And I have him to thank.

I love you Brandon!